just some thoughts

lately, i've been having trouble reconciling relationship between god and church. i've been doubting and struggling with the fact that they go hand in hand. missing my old faith. my blind faith, my sure-faith. exploring this makes some people uncomfortable, but when i cannot see a harmony with god and church, it makes me question the whole set-up and want:

to pull away.

to look for glimpses of hope in other places.

but today, i was refreshed, as people in my community shared stories. stories of grief. stories in which other people, broken people, stepped out of comfort and into dirty, messy, unwelcoming situations.

hearing story after story of people acting as much more than isolated beings, living life for only themselves. was encouraging. what i needed.

and i've decided, that even in this season of scattered and straggling faith, that living even in the periphery of jesus makes me better. it gives me hope when i get the privilege of seeing that people live outside of their own fascinations and pursuit of personal endeavors.

the best way to describe the peace that i'm feeling is that in the same way that a certain color of shirt can bring out a brighter, better color in your eyes; i feel that jesus can bring out that brighter and better, in us.

an exam

First Question of my English exam:

Please write a substantive reflection on what your perception of American Identity is.

My extremely unique views on American Identity will likely fall into the massive middle, "we". Although my story is different and how I got here is unique, still hundreds of thousands can likely relate or find that their story overlaps with mine, just a bit. Born daughter to an immigrant-entrepreneur-father, I see America as the land of opportunities. Definitely not equal opportunities, I've learned better, but unending. Vastly different trajectories sought by a vastly diverse nation of people.

I see clearly that being poor in America is still rich by World standards. So much STUFF in this nation-- good stuff, bad stuff, plastic stuff, disposable stuff, they-say-it's-everlasting stuff, big stuff, little stuff and so on. True, many people work very, very hard for their stuff, but has the white noise of subliminal advertising drowned out the ringing true of what we really want?

"Kids cost money!" "Work hard, play hard!" Suddenly our pace of life comes to a halt, forty-year old women are childless and the job won't give you the vacation time to enjoy what you've been working so hard towards.

Personal pizzas, drive through coffeehouses, one-car-per-person ratio, it seems that the American Identity is growing to an exponential state of lonely. Immigrant families, they know: hospitality, hope and community- they're my hope, to show us how it's done, but after a generation or two, they too find themselves (by lead of their offspring) synchronized with the fast paces, me-minded country I call home.

Business endeavors, always at someone else's expense; social networking, but who really knows anybody? We've learned how to work hard, dream big, look cool and act like we've got friends. It's the passionate lovers, that make this nation my proud homeland. Lovers of books, people, pets; people who find freedom in art, knowledge and God. I'm inspired by the people of a counter-culture, those who "live simply, so that others may simply live". People who work less and hang out with their neighbors more. People who forfeit high paying stable jobs and tenure to start grassroots revolutions and make their heart's burden their active pursuit.

I come from a land of plenty.

Plenty of good.

Plenty of bad.

Plenty of beautiful.

treasure it and ponder

i've had so many beautiful moments in the past days, weeks and months. i'm looking forward to christmas break, like never before. last year, it was great also but i'm hopeful that this one will be the best yet; not because i have grandiose plans, but the exact opposite. i'm looking forward to hours where i have nothing to do, but think. i'm looking forward to some plan not going through and having unexpected extra-down time. i've seen, heard, smelled, loved and experienced such beauty that i will need much time to process it all. things i've been learning, questions that i have, better understanding of my desired spiritual life, to make lists of what and who i'm thankful for, to write- just for fun.

tonight, in dialogue with the roommates, i realize that maybe i dream small, because they're all coming true, rather, they're all happening. should i be content with that, or dream bigger?

strange interactions

i just want to take a minute to shout out to the overly friendly people i often meet in columbus state bathrooms. i am one of those people who enjoys having a short conversation as we wash our hands and rearrange our shirts and scarves in front of the mirror in the bathroom. i enjoy elevator friendships. interactions with strangers can be really strange, but i wouldn't trade them for the world. it's like a little bite of heaven, becoming quick friends with people that would ordinarily just pass by on the streets. bidding each other 'goodbye and have a good day' is the best, because we legitimately don't know each other, even so it's beautiful to want the best, people with whom you have: no history, no past, most likely no future. just making the best of the present. sometimes the unwritten highlight of my day is just finding some way our lives overlap, me and stranger.