manna

last week i went camping.

it was supposed to be a time to get away and experience god more than usual.

for me, it was not.

it was proof that i'm different from the way that i was.

having come from a certain way of doing things, i understand (to an extent) why they are the way that they are. but certain things don't flow as freely or naively that they used to.

this is really vague, i know.

i'm mostly talking about worship.

"faith without deeds is dead"

which is stored in my mind as

"words with out deeds are dead"

so which end would i prefer to do well with?

well, deeds. i think that i've been let down by words enough that, words mean little.

words are aesthetically pleasing, they're light, they're beautiful, but they are not strong.

there are days when i really enjoy worship. i feel that i mean what i say, other than the times that you're singing, "i lift my hands" and obviously your hands are at your side, failure.

I do, however, think that there is a disconnect. I might put too much emphasis on deeds or living well. (Although, I don't think you can over-do it, what it's a matter of living in a more Jesus, it's the best way)

I found myself in a bit of a bind. Not feeling confident in God's love. Sincerely wanting to love others with this crazy love of his, but not feeling it for myself. My lack of feeling his love didn't show in a self-deprecating way, if anything, i probably like myself too much. It just wasn't warm and fuzzy the way that I sometimes assume others feel it.

The ride home from camping, was a bit painful. Just realizing that I don't feel the love.

After a couple of days, I realized, I'm not a warm and fuzzy person. I feel loved when I am taken care of, out-thought, helped, encouraged, and the dishes get done. I am an insanely practical person.

The next day, I logged onto my school website and found out that I'm getting a lot of help, financially. I met a new friend, with whom I have begun to dumpster dive. I've spend my evenings praying liturgy with my community, we've had a house full of beautiful people: there to prepare the meal, eat the meal and do the dishes after the meal. At this, I reconsider and realize that this is God loving me. He gives me more than enough. Maybe I don't have my hands raised in worship, but Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

*the next post will expand on the title :)