rachel joy baransi

one world, collided

2012-01-01T21:43:00.004+01:00

I sit here, in Columbus, Ohio. With a map of Amsterdam strung around my neck, yet no longer feeling like I'm stuck between two worlds collided. True, there are collisions within my world, yet my world is much confined to the boundaries of my extended-neighborhood these days. It's really great to be local. To be plant-ing (I think it will take much longer to feel plant-ed).

I attend a small [neighborhood] church, where we've spent particular days in the past couple of years having an open-mic style service, where people are free to come forward and share what God's done in their life, what they're grateful for, how they've been changed, a brief illustration of something they've been learning or seen for the first time.

It's one of my favorite spiritual experiences of the entire year. A time to listen, ponder, remember, see change, witness vulnerability, celebrate stories of suffering that brought people closer to each other, closer to God; increased awareness. It's days like this that I just want to live nutritiously, I want to live generously, I want to love people more and not fear.

This is the first day of a new year, I'm not setting resolutions specifically for 2012. ~~I've learned~~ I'm learning to enjoy alone time, have artist's dates and put myself around people who nurture. I try and keep a rhythm of spending time with people who challenge me and open my mind creatively, people who share a similar perspective and people who have ideas much different than my own (I tend to hang out with them a bit less... but enjoy their patience and ability to articulate something that I don't understand).

Preferably this is something I can grow in, during 2012 and thereafter....

a bedroom view on christmas spirit

2011-12-24T05:11:00.016+01:00

if i had facebook tonight ( i don't because i'm taking the month of december to be un-plugged - in a social networking kind of way- and to cuddle) i'd probably write a status about how four hours and a lot of money later, my christmas grocery shopping is done, as well as an unnecessary target shopping spree which yieldedsome new burt's bees, brightly colored nail polish, sweatpants and a mini dry erase board with new mini markers. it doesn't take a lot to make me happy. i'm content with one pair of sweat pants/pajamas, but mine are starting to wear thin, plus with these cold days-- i can't deal with being cold and having bare legs while i wait for my one pair to wash & dry, especially being a free-lancer on christmas break. that means long mornings under blankets reading books, both for laughs and learning. both books are really great. (mindy kaling's is everyone hanging out without me? and a book called creative inc. the ultimate guide to running a successful freelance business) maybe to begin, i should learn to spell the word successful, that might be helpful for when i'm trying to write things on my typewriter and don't have SPELLCHECK, so i don't look dumb. Because, i go to college, you know. (<--not that going to college matters at all, because i'm a fan of thinking that it does not).

well, after four hours of grocery shopping, three trips to unload the car, a whole unpacking and organization assembly line, albeit it was only me in the line, making-room-in-my-shared-between-six-people-fridge. after all that, cleaning the kitchen and carrying my laundry up to my room-- it's still sitting on my bed, i can hear it wrinkling. it's screaming "hang me up and stop blogging"

i better go. i'm just blogging to say that christmas break is nice. and although the christmas music on the radio really got to me this evening (in a bad way) i was sort of angry at the song, i'll be home for christmas, thinking-- well i'm not going home, dangit! but then i realized, my family is coming to my house, which is

being home in it's truest sense.

after fluffing and separating my laundry into will-be-mentioned piles....

i decide i should clarify--

by fold my laundry, i just realized, i don't mean fold it. i just mean spread it out and lay it in piles, so long as the stuff that will get wrinkly is laying flat. you can always take care of the rest after you check your email, work on a project, organize your bookshelf, skype your roommate in westerville, and so forth.....

(this is a bit of our beatles dance party-singalong)

2011-12-22T18:27:00.005+01:00

i would like to be better about sharing my work. so i'll start posting it.

click HERE for the rest of this photoshoot [fashion with teresa].

click HERE for the rest of this photoshoot [zach, beth & baby].

does god love us or hate us?

2011-12-22T06:22:00.001+01:00

What does it mean to have faith like a child? I don't know, but these kids ask some pretty intense questions.

Meet Lucas & Gloria, my friends aged 6 and 8 as they discuss the questions they have about life, love and god.

Want to see some incredible similarities? Watch the video that's from 1.75 years prior!vimeo.com/8954310

nightmares and other girlish things

2011-12-21T14:40:00.005+01:00

When I worked in the restaurant for 8+ years, It was often that I had dreams- nightmares really, not the super scary ones but the ones where I was failing at the little things in my job. In my dreams (which usually took place between shifts, making it feel like I never rested for that entire 24 hours or so) I would often run around, brain scattered, too many tables to care for well. I remember once that I forgot to get an old man a refill on his pink lemonade, that reminder was reiterated throughout the night.

I just woke up, with five hours of sleep (and no need to wake up, yet here I am, anyways) and a whole segment of camera-mares. Shooting a wedding with no backup batteries, no flash, a camera that has no lens on it and won't turn on. A scattered and torn down me. A change of events, surprises in the wedding. The one humorous part of the wedding is that as the mother of the bride is filling me in on the schedule she said, "... and then my daughter is going to pronounce themselves married."

It's crazy when something you love suddenly translates itself into the DNA of your fears. I suppose that all things that bring us life also are wildly attacked by insecurity.

Creatively/work-relatedly, I'm hardly doing any jobs this December. Just finishing up what I need to finish, and hopefully that leaves some time (or else this will continue into the first two weeks of January) to regroup creatively, prepare for a new year, set attainable personal creative project goals, know what's too much work to take on and to gracefully say 'no'. Never take a job out of obligation. Trust in personal creativity, inspired by the great Creator. Always, always keep a thankful mind/attitude towards people trusting and investing in the work that I do. Don't fear trying new things.

On that note, last night I tried painting for the first time. It was incredible. What I produced wasn't good, but creating something and killing the parts of myself that intrinsically want to say, "i'm sorry this isn't good". Artie talked about this idea in our creativity class this quarter, the idea that when you're a child, you never had someone a picture that you've made them and preface the give with a, "i'm sorry this isn't very good, but..." there's some place between childhood and adulthood that so much childlike-ness (pleasure, freedom, imagination) is replaced by pride, self deprecation and creative incarceration.

This video always gives me hope!

audrey & orwell

2011-12-21T06:50:00.002+01:00

these beautiful faces, i now call friends. thanks to iuka + our musical connections.

they make wonderful music, listen here.

more photos here.

2011-12-20T01:13:00.003+01:00

tonight, erin and i danced in the kitchen while i made tea and she ate a teacup of jeni's ice cream. our house feels very homey- i'm not sure if it's moreso because i've been away, and coming home feels good. or because i'm on break, i feel relieved to be home and not stressed. maybe it's the christmastree that i didn't even want, that now makes my heart warm. or the glimmering decorations we placed everywhere for the joint birthday party, friday past. there was something dare-i say magical, compelling, right about sitting at the long wooden table today.

as we had a dance party in the kitchen, we agreed that marriage better be like this. or else we're content living together and continuing to dance and be joyful in the mundane tasks of life for a long, long time.

i'm thankful.

i'm frustrated that there are so many good books and not enough time to read them all, but it could be worse.

i'm sad that my camera broke, but i'm excited for a new one, and i that i have means for a new one. it could be much worse.

i'm glad for the smell of housemates ginger cookies freshly baked. for the warmth and the life that happens all around me.

oh, and i'm glad for snailmail this week. such a wonderful gift.

gezellig house.

2011-12-18T01:30:00.003+01:00

It is December. This year December is a month of changing routine. Unplugging & Cuddling. A poem a day. Reading books. Learning how to be still. Christmas carols as worship. (Almost) no obligation. An invitation to follow up with things that have been knocking on my heart. A brainstorm. A snow check. Days without leaving. A flashing of lights. A resounding joy.

Today has been wonderful. In columbus. In my house. Haven’t left all day. Nothing could be better. I’m in a place to (try and) write. Erin’s sitting opposite of me, both of us humming along with the Christmas carols that have been the background to our entire day. We've been cleaning, singing, taking water out of our overflowing sink by the bucket, crafting, and laughing.

This morning started off with breakfast with my lovely friend Winnie and her wonderful mother Abigail and my roommate Erin. Abigail and her husband are an incredible illustration of parenting. They met while both doing medical relief work after the Tsunami in Indonesia, eventually married and have since become parents to one of the most vibrant and lively individuals I’ve ever met! Winnie. She’s 6-ish, from Ethiopia and a great recipe for conversation and giggles (and if you need any help cleaning, she claims that’s what she loves to do!)

The Shaws (Tim, Abigail & Winnie) decided to live without air conditioning this summer, it’s something small but was of great value to realize how much that we have that we can live without. Even during one of the hottest summers in Columbus.

Sometimes it’s hard to know how to live with less. Even without TV and the abundance of advertising that I know most people my age are bombarded with. (I do an excellent job of tuning it out. I also live in a box when it comes to pop culture) To live simply, to live within my means, to live creatively and generously is not a well modeled lifestyle. Our country overly encourages and pushes 17 & 18 year olds into a college education, offers free money that will someday have to be repaid with interest and is in huge debt itself.

I guess I just want to know what I need to do to be the change I wish to see.

I was born in America and have this “American lens” but I also try and wear counter cultural lenses and less-ethnocentric lenses and wonder what I can do and encourage be done to make less unsturdy bridges and help instead of hurting.

When in Mexico, I had conversations with my friends who run the orphanage and from that, have added these three books to my to-read list.

Toxic Charity

Ending Poverty

The White Man’s Burden

When Helping Hurts

I enjoy hearing people’s thoughts in regards to alleviating poverty. Hand up or hand out? Different ends of the spectrum, one leader answering, “of course” another “of course not” to the same question of does this help? The idea of charging at least a small amount for goods rather than giving them for free, so that the receiver feels as if they earned the good rather than being entitled it. So many things to learn more about.

I’d like to know that a water pump I build will not destroy the community who’s used to having it’s social interactions standing in line and carrying water to- and from the well that’s farther away.

What’s my job, as an American girl? How can I best be a steward of what I have and share with others?

This past week and the last time I visited my friend Lauren, in Mexico have been interesting. I’m not excited exactly, to visit. I’m always glad to see Lauren, but I also have a deep love and longing to live there. I feel torn between living there and going to school. I realize that I’m not at a point where I’m self-less enough to work a 24 hour job, lending myself to so many people’s needs. I’m leery to think that my visit will yield anything good. I’m ashamed that my spanish hasn’t improved and I can’t have a decent conversation or grow much deeper with these friends that I’ve been seeing grow up over the years. I know that my biggest joy in going is to love on my friend Lauren, and now her wonderful roommate Jarilyn. To keep gaining perspective and remember that not everyone lives a comfortable columbus-life with a washer and dryer and electricity and money to travel and the amazing and warm lifestyle that I get to experience.

Dear self,
Don’t forget what your eyes have seen. Don’t get caught up in jobs and work and making money and savings. Don’t forget to be thankful. And gracious. Love grace and the people around you. Lower expectations and do not become bitter. Take time to rest, so that when you’re with people, you can give them your best. Don’t stop trying.

for rachel, on her birthday

2011-12-18T01:28:00.001+01:00

this was the best birthday present i've maybe ever received. it's a poem, from my dear friend (and sister from another mister) julia pickerill

if i was my mother

(or you)
you would have a box of gracelets and treasures and things that sparkle
wrapped in layers of brown paper
and packing tape, arrived today

Just On Time

to your doorstep.

instead
i am myself.

and you have - this.

(but you, truly, have so much more…)

you are a beautiful delight
a loud crashing pans

and cooking music
a brash blinding colour
a meal where no one leaves hungry.

you are an artist of humanity

drawing each one out

finding best sides

blurring colors

and constructing communion.

you are a laugh

that can take the place of deep sadness
and you are deep colors

and great effort

and making everyone else believe
that things might be different, one day.

you are found in the trying

you are found.

and i am glad for the finding of you.

i like:

2011-12-09T06:57:00.003+01:00

the typewriter i'm borrowing from a friend.

december.

interrupting gender roles.

somali tea.

matchmaking.

a great smile.

artie isaac (professor)

emails from amsterdam.

being facebookless (for now).

meeting new friends.

and finding similarities.

peacemaking.

snail-mail.

a good mix cd.

the fact that despite lacking radio and cd ability, my car still plays cassettes.

new cassettes from kate.

kate.

when people don't try to hide that they're broken.

and brightness shines through the imperfection.

when there are less options and choosing is easier.

childlike faith.

getting better.

friends who help you carry things.

and teach you how to carry less.

and offer you forgiveness.

and laugh with you.

and without you.

people who endeavor to live in love.

creatively.

people who smile at strangers.

and put away their phone when they're in conversation.

when there are no photos to prove it happened.

when the musicians forget the key of the song, but laugh and search.

when the two year old finally warms up to you.

those who live quiet and beautiful lives, in humility.

the cold air that reminds me i'm human.

and that this house is large, enough for us and all our friends.

that tomorrow i'll travel through time.

once we were, then never the same

2011-09-15T10:21:00.004+02:00

I've learned more and seen more in the past three years then the previous eighteen combined, [although watching a six year old play checkers with an eight year old this week, i was amazed that their brilliance, i suppose kids have equally intense strides of learning].

the more i know/see/learn, the more i know that the world is large and little do i know, therefore, my lack of blogging lately.i've begun to write a bit, but it's been hard to feel as if it was worth posting.

today though— marks a special occasion. facebook greeted me with a reminder that on this day in 2009 my status was "folk music, matches, friends, sleeping bags, volvo.... the making of a camping adventure!" and i'd like to pay tribute to that adventure, one that changed so many things in my life.

first of all, the car was full of trader-joes groceries, settlers of catan, a tent (sans a few of it's pieces.... we'd find out as we set it up), and two girls who i didn'tknow well (just a bit through teaching ESL) Nicole and Eva. It began as one of those things, "oh, let's go on a trip" that's sort of ambiguous and likely not to happen.... but it did. I was actually quite nervous, I liked chatting about it but when it came time to pack a bag and head out town with them, my excitement was smothered by anxiety and a bit of fear of the unknown.

i don't remember too many details of the trip, other than the factwe rode down in my volvo, were missing a post for the tent, had to set it up in the dark, saw some creepy crawlers and played settlers of catan, fighting against the wind who wanted to blow all of our settlements onto the ground.

looking back at where we are now, i am so grateful that we all took a bit of a risk and became friends.

the following months, through nicole-we got to know Kate better (another treasure!)
we spent much of our time that fall "studying" eva (the only onenot in school) most studious of all. while kate and nicole mostly talked of living in a van, spending time figuring out details, i.e- where will we park it? where will we shower?we'd drink tea and eat banana pancakes on the roof of kate and nicole's victorian village apartment, it was a nice time. a new chapter. new friends. new school. new life. i was content.

little did i know it would become even more communal.now, two years later i've lived with kate and nicole in the treehouse (apartment) and eva at iuka.

as i am enjoying my time in amsterdam immensely and already fear how hard it will be to leave, i have the best people to come home to. eva's chasing her dreams in chicago (so excited for her) but kate and nicole now live in my home (although we haven't all been there at the same time yet, since i left as they moved in) my other housemates are incredible as well.

they inspire me. encourage me. share with me. spoon with me. remind me. forgive me.

it's a joy living with these creative people, bringing together our ideas and hopes for life together, pushing for community and living intentionally.

they only tell us part

2011-08-13T19:32:00.003+02:00

I remember in middle school health class, talking about stress. Eustress & Distress. Distress being the more commonly referred to one, having negative implications. The thing that's bothering me is that the only examples (in middle school, high school and dare I even say college psychology class) for Eustress (good, happy stress) were getting married and having babies.

I'm sure that is Eustress, to the fullest. But dare we disregard that single people can have exciting stress in their life also?

I'm so eu-stressed out everyday! I love it! Creative projects out the wazoo. So many beautiful people to do life with, and only so much time. Dumpster dived ingredients, that must turn into food. Highly recommended books by the people you trust most, yet no time to read them!

I'm really thankful for honest people, not honest as in they never make mistakes, but honest in that they don't try and cover them.

It's the most beneficial trait (I suppose, only when partnered with good communication). Honest people let me know that being married often isn't easy. Many of them say that it's the hardest thing they ever have experienced. All the more reason to be thankful and livvvvvvvvvvvvve in the present. today. freeeeee!

manna

2011-07-25T15:11:00.002+02:00

last week i went camping.

it was supposed to be a time to get away and experience god more than usual.

for me, it was not.

it was proof that i'm different from the way that i was.

having come from a certain way of doing things, i understand (to an extent) why they are the way that they are. but certain things don't flow as freely or naively that they used to.

this is really vague, i know.

i'm mostly talking about worship.

"faith without deeds is dead"

which is stored in my mind as

"words with out deeds are dead"

so which end would i prefer to do well with?

well, deeds. i think that i've been let down by words enough that, words mean little.

words are aesthetically pleasing, they're light, they're beautiful, but they are not strong.

there are days when i really enjoy worship. i feel that i mean what i say, other than the times that you're singing, "i lift my hands" and obviously your hands are at your side, failure.

I do, however, think that there is a disconnect. I might put too much emphasis on deeds or living well. (Although, I don't think you can over-do it, what it's a matter of living in a more Jesus, it's the best way)

I found myself in a bit of a bind. Not feeling confident in God's love. Sincerely wanting to love others with this crazy love of his, but not feeling it for myself. My lack of feeling his love didn't show in a self-deprecating way, if anything, i probably like myself too much. It just wasn't warm and fuzzy the way that I sometimes assume others feel it.

The ride home from camping, was a bit painful. Just realizing that I don't feel the love.

After a couple of days, I realized, I'm not a warm and fuzzy person. I feel loved when I am taken care of, out-thought, helped, encouraged, and the dishes get done. I am an insanely practical person.

The next day, I logged onto my school website and found out that I'm getting a lot of help, financially. I met a new friend, with whom I have begun to dumpster dive. I've spend my evenings praying liturgy with my community, we've had a house full of beautiful people: there to prepare the meal, eat the meal and do the dishes after the meal. At this, I reconsider and realize that this is God loving me. He gives me more than enough. Maybe I don't have my hands raised in worship, but Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

*the next post will expand on the title :)

the mixed up files of the grandma and the cat

2011-06-11T23:50:00.006+02:00

so, for the past several years, i've felt like i am intrinsically not a family person. maybe it's that my family dynamic is not a tightly-knit, big-fat-greek, family-night-every-night, let's talk on the phone twice a day, bunch of relatives.

today, i realized that i like my family. a lot.

for years, it was just hard for me to relax and enjoy them. for the first time (possibly ever... at least in the last few years) my surroundings are quiet enough to listen to the things that whisper, reminding me that they're there. things like: books, making art, writing letters, family.

it's so hard to slow down and appreciate these things when life is moving at an irrational pace. i am to blame. the job is to blame. the pressures of living the american dream is to blame. the fact that everybody else is so dang inspiring is to blame.

yet, it wouldn't be so sweet to slow down, if i didn't know the hazard that comes along with living too fast. maybe?

today, i enjoyed looking at my grandma's friends faces. sitting out in front of their home, waiting on lemonade, one of them joked. then another one mentioned he didn't like living there anymore, he didn't like living so much anymore, he said. as mention of this caused the ladies to respond, "oh, i don't believe that. you're thankful to be alive," he didn't seem to agree. he still had a dry sense of humor and responded that he's lived there for 7+ years, off and on; married two women, moved to florida(not at the same time, he clarified), buried them. the name of his first wife, annie, came to him easily... but the other one never did. he was obviously embarrassed, even though his peers told them it was really okay. "it's alright, but it's not acceptable" he was torn. another old man, who didn't really seem that old walked over to him and pulled out a datebook and showed him that he had written in it, his name his address, his birthday, the code to his safe.... things that he was likely to forget.

as long as he doesn't misplace the little black book, i think he's going to be alright.

tomorrow morning i'm having breakfast with my dad, i can't wait. we've done our best to try and remember that we were father-daughter as well as employer-employee throughout the years, but the hours we shared at the restaurant far, far exceeded our cups of coffee before work. i like him.

so, although my grandma's getting older, she's looking good and doing amazing. rewind// fast forward: what does the cheerleading captain, class president, summa cum laude do when she gets old? revamps her old people's home library and makes sure it's up do date, starts book club and a green room, for recycling. yep, i'm pretty proud of her.

my cat, on the other hand, cori... not doing so great. on my way home from visiting the grandma, the mother pointed out the cat's acupuncture's office. crazy.

lemons, lemons. life.

i'm finally on summer break (for two weeks) heading down to nashville on tuesday to shoot a music video for my friends jenny & tyler. camping with some cool ladies, visiting some dear friends. don't have a lot of expectations, but i have a feeling that we'll be pleasantly surprised.

from our last house show, pillars and tongues.

oh, delight

2011-05-31T18:12:00.005+02:00

oh, how good it feels to realize that what you’re craving is something that you have all of the ingredients for already.

lately, i’ve been dreaming (possibly to an unhealthy extent) of living in community with a dozen or so people outside of of our current geographic local. i’m thankful for people, who reshape what i think is ideal, with their thoughts, experiences and wisdom. my friend annie, challenged the idea, and asked what could become of it here, in columbus. a new friend, ian, shared that as an addict, location didn’t change anything. everything is accessible anywhere. that arguing that where you are is preventing you from something, is a dumb excuse. then it struck me, i’ve got it all, right here. the key is learning how to be intentional in the day, in the hour, in the minute. to not only talk often about community and sharing life in a deeper way, but inviting my housemates onto the adventure through and through. maybe they’re not on board in the big picture, always. (let’s move away and work part time jobs and grow a garden and cook together and go to the same church and love the same people) but they’re totally in for cooking dinner together and having discussions about books and sitting on the porch and all of these micro-dreams. i love it.

in my thoughts

2011-05-17T17:05:00.004+02:00

the internet. an overload of depressing news, current trends, prom 2011 photos, engaging blogs, facebook statuses and almost-anything-i-might-ever-need-to-know, truly.

how and why is it that technology is of utmost necessity in our day, yet whenever we cease to use it our life that we are living seems to open up exponentially.

i am so thankful that there are times to learn things the hard way, the hands-on way, the experiential way, but also that there are times to learn through other people's journeys.

i want not to do anything but in love.
i do not want to burn the candle from both ends.
i do not want to run on commitment with a low dose of passion.
i do not want to be stuck.
i do not want to do things just because i should, or because as an american it’s on the roadmap to success.

but what i do want is:
to live intentionally.
to open my arms, my table and my home, completely in love.
to know when to say “no”
when i do say “no” say it gracefully and assuredly.

to live simply.
to sleep on couches in my friend’s cities and have energy for conversations and exploration.

on sunday morning, at central vineyard, paige bailey reaffirmed this idea of realigning with god, looking at the things you’re doing and seeing which of them are things he’s given us and if it’s something he’s given you (being a daughter, wife, mother) then maybe he wants to help you to love those things.

i remember back in amsterdam (living with a family of five), i learned a lesson. it was in the kitchen, in the sink, hiding in the dirty dishes. the most mundane of tasks, washing the dishes. it was a day in, day out, day in, day out event. i would physically stop doing them if i felt the least bit discontent, tell myself you don’t have to do this. and without fail, instantly, i was able to enjoy it. (not saying this has worked in any other are of my life) realizing, i’m not stuck, but i choose to serve this family. this is my practical way of loving them.

why is it so hard to do the same for my roommates? i’m not sure. maybe because in amsterdam there was an end-date, i was devoted to being an extra set of hands in their home. here in columbus, i have a busy schedule and there’s no end in sight.

that doesn’t mean i shouldn’t and can’t be practical love, dirty love, love that goes unnoticed and unappreciated to my house full of amazing humans.

i’ve also stubbornly lived a life of no regrets. it’s sort of been a rule in my recent history. condemning my mother when she says, “i wish i would have...” telling her, don’t look back. just do it better next time.

but who’s to say that looking back and regretting isn’t at least a bit healthy?

listening to my friend becca, as we visited her in chicago, look back and regret not being a better neighbor. this girl loves like nobody i’ve ever met before, yet her time in her apartment and now she looks back and realizes that she could've been a better neighbor. her time there is over, but i have no doubt that her contemplating this will make her a more intentional neighbor in the future.

my new plan is to allow regret. not to wallow in it.

but to chat with it.

and when i walk away, i will have bigger eyes.

dancing with strangers

2011-04-23T05:11:00.005+02:00

i usually like my job. somedays i really, really love my job.

tonight was one of them. i didn't get my favorite section, i didn't start out with the best tables ever, etc. but by the end of the night, i served some really wonderful people. one of whom, was a five year old, exactly five. it was her birthday. i wish i could remember her name, it was interesting, with a "s" and a "z", she was small and brown with far-eastern roots. after her birthday dinner, she and her friend stood between the doorway and the bar, listening to the live music and dancing. i wanted nothing more than to join them, in their five year old sways, so i did. it was lovely.

as i sprayed bleach on toilets and wiped down mirrors, i felt content. content in working hard, working well. i felt an indescribable joy and hope. pieces of wendell berry's mad farmer liberation front scrolled through my mind like a "to-do" list. love the quick profit, the annual raise, vacation with pay. want more. do things that can't compute. love the lord. ask questions. invest in the millenium. practice resurrection.

what does this mean?

i want to live in far off in a community. i want to love better. i want to be less selfish. i want to want good things. i want to learn. i want to work hard. i want to give all i can. i want to know how to rest. i want to experience god. i want to share everything. i want to know what it's like to have nothing. i want to make tomorrow better than today.

2011-04-04T07:03:00.002+02:00

some people are ready for change at appropriate times of the year. commitment and memberships sky rocket around new years, you see a change in habits of religious people around the time of lent, an increase in body awareness just before swimsuit season.

i find that it's the in-between times, that my will for change finds its way to the forefront, that promises on the tip of my tongue ready to be spoken and then consummated. a few weeks late for lent, way early for new years and having nothing to do with swimsuit season, i realize that it's up to me to be conscious of the things that i do, even the small things, and the heart behind.

naturally, i am drawn to people. for a long time, i've enjoyed spending a great number of my waking hours surrounded by my old friends or making new ones. but i've also had my eye on people who can go to lunch with only a book. there's always a remarkable tinge of jealousness inside of me that provokes envy, for their ability to be so gracefully alone.

i'm a firm believer that you have to know how to take yourself on a good date. life is sweeter when nothing stops you from doing or being exactly where you want to be with or without whomever. putting the two together, it takes a lot of swimming against the current, but when i do have alone time, it's always so good.

so, i'm learning. to say no. to step away from good things and wait for even better. learning that passions and practicality still have yet to find well-shared ground. learning that saying no, is better than straining to mean yes. learning that less is more. that absence makes the heart grow fonder. that if the heart doesn't grow fonder after absence, that it's not meant to be and that there's something much better, in doing what you love than doing what you do because you're used to it.

rambling mind

2011-03-14T22:20:00.004+01:00

are you ever just walking around, a bit detached, wondering if anybody else feels like they're just playing a mundane role in some indie movie? maybe it's the uprise in films about waitresses in the last few years, maybe it's the odd people i come in contact with or how i spend my weekends.

anyway, what's been on my mind and in conversations lately, is wrestling with the idea of what's worth work, what's worth fighting for, what's worth putting forth effort? ideally, good things that are meant to be, just happen and bad things, that aren't meant to be don't happen. but what about ideas that need time to mature and develop? what about relationships? where do you draw the line between choosing something and having something choose you?

i'm sitting here, at work, between shifts. preparing to study for my last exam at columbus state and also ready to make a margarita for the next customer that orders one. this has been a really great quarter, for the first time, i really enjoyed all of my classes. i'll miss the people at columbus state, they so crazy. i'll miss the eclectic mix of bumper stickers, anything from somali pride to vegetarian advocating or "my child is.." stickers. i'll miss laughing with strangers in the bathroom.

but hello osu, i'm going to attempt to take you seriously, really. to explore what i need to explore, to go from un-decided to decided, to give you an ungodly amount of money per year and to study.

2011-03-12T20:08:00.002+01:00

inevitably, whenever i listen to music on itunes, christmas music ends up playing.

here's a brilliant idea, somebody create a program specifically for this problem.

disable/enable option for christmas music.

thanks.

reduce. reuse. eat.

2011-03-11T04:39:00.004+01:00

although as contradictory as it seems, it's hard to blog and be in a creative writing class. the prompts for class aren't always blogger friendly and all of my creative juices (okay, that's underestimating them) have been vacuumed into the the class, you know, it's for a grade, gotta do it.

it's sweet to me, when my friends remind me that it's been a month since i've last blogged. i feel as though, they're absolutely the only reason i'm drawn to do so. even though i feel as if i'm learning so much and my horizons are definitely growing, i don't feel that i have much to say.

i'm so busy talking all of the time, that i rarely pause to think. i considered giving up talking for lent, transitioning into a monk-like contemplative life. i'm sure that it would do great things for my soul, but that i'd lose my source of income and get zeros on my "class participation" grades.

so, all of this, my introduction. but now, what to say?

i have nothing. i'm tired.

but here's something that made me and my coworkers laugh today.

i heard sam put in an order and tell the cooks she wanted the fries first, i also saw one of the two boys from her new table grab something off of another table, which in itself isn't too much of an eccentric move. people are grabbing ketchup, salt, condiments and things of that sort off of other tables all the time, but since they had just ordered, i found it strange for them to need something. i caught a glimpse of a basket on their table. i confirmed with sam that they hadn't gotten any food from the kitchen yet, and deducted that they had recycled the fries from a table that had already left. immediately my coworkers wanted to call another coworker who has similar tendencies, i won't mention any names, but laura, always has a pocket full of pita, so this guy must be her soulmate.

i dared myself to take out the table's real basket of fries, so that i could be pretty blunt and ask them how everything was tasting thus far. a bit later, when sam took out their entrees, i saw them praying, i decided, that at least they were prayin' boys, that makes eating stranger's food seem a degree less undesirable.

going for the final goal, i was headed to pre-bus another table and grab their leftover fries and offer them to the boys for dessert, when he realized that we knew each other, from iuka, and he's roommates with a good friend of mine. so funny. such a small world.

props to jesse for recycling food, that's something that we've probably all thought of, but never do. just do it!

just a list

2011-02-07T00:59:00.019+01:00

of some of my favorite things, no categories, no timeframe:

1. bright eyes, i'm wide awake it's morning.

i got the album when i was 15 and i predict that when i'm 30, it will still be one of the best albums ever.

2. david sedaris, when you're engulfed in flames

whenever i have a few extra minutes for a short story and a laugh, it's my go-to.

3. lost in the trees, live show, wexner center.

one of my favorite things is discovering a band, falling in love and then seeing them live within weeks. thanks to a friend, who introduced me to this lovely band of which npr describes as, "a cinematic blend of storytelling and strings"

4. wendell berry, for his wisdom.

in 2008, allie shared the mad farmer liberation front with me. it's my favorite poem. take a few minutes and read it, meditate on it, if you never have.

5. pecha kucha, event.

the pecha kucha (peh-kotch-ew-chaw) super interesting event, the name comes from the japanese word for "chit chat" the format is 20x20. anyone can talk about something interesting, twenty seconds per slide and twenty slides. i've been to two, excited for my third this week. i think i'm partial to my very first one, because it was brilliant, it was summer and brooke was in town.

6. waste land, documentary.

i was almost too tired to go, but i am endlessly thankful that i did. it was a beautiful story of humanity, art and the the combination of the two. today, i feel more like a stranger is my family than i did yesterday. what i found amazing, is the joy that (most) of the people had and the contentment in their life even being (not trashpickers) finders of recyclable material. tha

nk you, vik muniz, for illustrating how art and social change can be interwoven.

7. daytrotter, music blog.

stimulating all of the senses. i enjoy the writing, the art and of course, the music. thank you, daytrotter. it's a legal, free, enjoyable way to enjoy new bands (or hear acoustic sets of your already-favorite bands)

8. rue royale, band.

i hadn't ever heard of them, but when a friend asked if they could play a show at our house, i said, "why not?" they're some of the sweetest people i've ever met, husband and wife duo, brookln and ruth dekker. their music hasn't seized to reveal to me, profound beauty and truth.

9. dance parties and fireworks.

typically, these aren't my favorite things. i feel pretty content sitting on the floor of our house listening to a band, or smoking hookah, or playing games with a couple of friends. but i find that both times iuka parties have turned to dance, it's been unexpectedly more fun than i would have anticipated. this past week, we had a farewell party, for our friend glenn. it was the most pyro party our house has seen. (click center and it should start playing)

10. my homework, current priority. it's true, i really like what i'm currently studying. my classes this quarter are: writing creative nonfiction, digital photography and psychology. unfortunately, i'm still catching up from when i was sick, lots to do..... so ciao!

2011-02-06T15:36:00.007+01:00

what an incredible movie

waste land

was.

i tried to write about it, but i don't have words.

someday, i would like to see the much-bigger versions of these.

2011-02-04T07:37:00.003+01:00

i miss the way lucas & gloria would say, "pee-jamas"

2011-01-30T07:36:00.001+01:00

2011-01-17T01:40:00.005+01:00

the last several hours, i've been burrowed under every blanket i own, i've downed more than the recommended amount of zinc and i've gone through chills and hot, hot heat.

maybe it's the drugs, lack of sleep or overdose on zinc; but my mind has been entertaining me, and from it comes a story, an allegory of sorts.

two of the king's recently acquired staff members showed up early for their work. they took a glance at the day's agenda and saw listed, dig holes. wanting to impress the king, they set out to start their task. lacking proper tools, both he and she found themselves struggling and straining as they used paper cups to pull up rocky, rooty soil. toiling through, working up a sweat and continuing to pull up the dirt, eight ounces at a time. their conversation was disparate, sharing conversations of the struggle to live rightly, the pressure to do good and the longing to please the king. several hours passed and they began to wonder what the next step would be for these holes that they were now so deeply caught in that only the tops of their heads were discernible.

deciding that their work was most likely sufficient for what the king had required of them, they grabbed the layers they shed, empty jugs and their worn down paper cups and headed back to their provenance. as soon as they passed their first barrier, they were astonished to see that the valley had been filled with flowers. the holes to be dug were only several inches deep and into them flowers were planted, the land was stunning and brilliantly colored.

as they reached the warehouse all of the other workers were celebrating,singing, dancing and eating. as much as the boy and the girl strived to over exceed the king's expectation, they realized that they were entirely off. as they limped toward the king, himself,before they could articulate their sorrow and mishap, the king said:

"my children, it is alright, tomorrow we will work together"

2011-01-14T05:38:00.002+01:00

i've been thinking quite a bit lately, although never as much as i would like to. not sitting around thinking, but processing through things outloud with some dear friends. what a wonderful, wonderful gift community is. i handwrote what i intended to be a blog around new years, but it's in the bedroom of my sleeping roommate. it's about change, homes and love. one day, i'll remember to share it.

continuing with the thoughts of the previous post, the conclusion i've come to is that there are times when i'm utterly disgusted with "christian culture" it can play out so differently from what i can imagine jesus being thrilled with. gandhi puts it beautifully,

"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

i suppose i will continue on, listening to beautiful music, enjoying the company of dear friends, sending others on their far-off adventures, longing for justice, and hoping to learn more what it is to be like our christ.

just some thoughts

2010-12-27T05:53:00.003+01:00

lately, i've been having trouble reconciling relationship between god and church. i've been doubting and struggling with the fact that they go hand in hand. missing my old faith. my blind faith, my sure-faith. exploring this makes some people uncomfortable, but when i cannot see a harmony with god and church, it makes me question the whole set-up and want:

to pull away.

to look for glimpses of hope in other places.

but today, i was refreshed, as people in my community shared stories. stories of grief. stories in which other people, broken people, stepped out of comfort and into dirty, messy, unwelcoming situations.

hearing story after story of people acting as much more than isolated beings, living life for only themselves. was encouraging. what i needed.

and i've decided, that even in this season of scattered and straggling faith, that living even in the periphery of jesus makes me better. it gives me hope when i get the privilege of seeing that people live outside of their own fascinations and pursuit of personal endeavors.

the best way to describe the peace that i'm feeling is that in the same way that a certain color of shirt can bring out a brighter, better color in your eyes; i feel that jesus can bring out that brighter and better, in us.

an exam

2010-12-10T15:00:00.004+01:00

First Question of my English exam:

Please write a substantive reflection on what your perception of American Identity is.

My extremely unique views on American Identity will likely fall into the massive middle, "we". Although my story is different and how I got here is unique, still hundreds of thousands can likely relate or find that their story overlaps with mine, just a bit. Born daughter to an immigrant-entrepreneur-father, I see America as the land of opportunities. Definitely not equal opportunities, I've learned better, but unending. Vastly different trajectories sought by a vastly diverse nation of people.

I see clearly that being poor in America is still rich by World standards. So much STUFF in this nation-- good stuff, bad stuff, plastic stuff, disposable stuff, they-say-it's-everlasting stuff, big stuff, little stuff and so on. True, many people work very, very hard for their stuff, but has the white noise of subliminal advertising drowned out the ringing true of what we really want?

"Kids cost money!" "Work hard, play hard!" Suddenly our pace of life comes to a halt, forty-year old women are childless and the job won't give you the vacation time to enjoy what you've been working so hard towards.

Personal pizzas, drive through coffeehouses, one-car-per-person ratio, it seems that the American Identity is growing to an exponential state of lonely. Immigrant families, they know: hospitality, hope and community- they're my hope, to show us how it's done, but after a generation or two, they too find themselves (by lead of their offspring) synchronized with the fast paces, me-minded country I call home.

Business endeavors, always at someone else's expense; social networking, but who really knows anybody? We've learned how to work hard, dream big, look cool and act like we've got friends. It's the passionate lovers, that make this nation my proud homeland. Lovers of books, people, pets; people who find freedom in art, knowledge and God. I'm inspired by the people of a counter-culture, those who "live simply, so that others may simply live". People who work less and hang out with their neighbors more. People who forfeit high paying stable jobs and tenure to start grassroots revolutions and make their heart's burden their active pursuit.

I come from a land of plenty.

Plenty of good.

Plenty of bad.

Plenty of beautiful.

treasure it and ponder

2010-12-07T04:58:00.004+01:00

i've had so many beautiful moments in the past days, weeks and months. i'm looking forward to christmas break, like never before. last year, it was great also but i'm hopeful that this one will be the best yet; not because i have grandiose plans, but the exact opposite. i'm looking forward to hours where i have nothing to do, but think. i'm looking forward to some plan not going through and having unexpected extra-down time. i've seen, heard, smelled, loved and experienced such beauty that i will need much time to process it all. things i've been learning, questions that i have, better understanding of my desired spiritual life, to make lists of what and who i'm thankful for, to write- just for fun.

tonight, in dialogue with the roommates, i realize that maybe i dream small, because they're all coming true, rather, they're all happening. should i be content with that, or dream bigger?

strange interactions

2010-12-02T21:11:00.006+01:00

i just want to take a minute to shout out to the overly friendly people i often meet in columbus state bathrooms. i am one of those people who enjoys having a short conversation as we wash our hands and rearrange our shirts and scarves in front of the mirror in the bathroom. i enjoy elevator friendships. interactions with strangers can be really strange, but i wouldn't trade them for the world. it's like a little bite of heaven, becoming quick friends with people that would ordinarily just pass by on the streets. bidding each other 'goodbye and have a good day' is the best, because we legitimately don't know each other, even so it's beautiful to want the best, people with whom you have: no history, no past, most likely no future. just making the best of the present. sometimes the unwritten highlight of my day is just finding some way our lives overlap, me and stranger.

thoughts inspired by jeni's

2010-11-25T17:24:00.004+01:00

good things come in small packages.

cliche, but true. rather, i'd say the very best of things come in small containers.

tuesday, i met up with two of my best friends for lunch and a hefty catch-up at the north market. after eating and drinking our various delights, we went over to the jeni's counter to sample some flavors and try and find a pint that we could all agree on. it was funny, but as they say great-minds think alike. if i do say so myself, the three of us have great minds and similar tastes (other than the fact that nicole and i don't really like nuts, except hazels and kate can't stand too much chocolate) so we spied the flavors we were all hoping to sample and asked for them, in rounds of three. olive oil, gouda, sweet potato, cocoa zin.

in the same light, i've been reflecting today, on how amsterdam changed me.

two years ago, i moved there and spent an eight month stint living, learning and hoping. my eyes were opened to culture that was rich and different from the bubble of christian socialization that i was raised in. it was really beautiful, truly. i hadn't very many expectations for what life would be like, and was blown away by the joy that just happened. the only thing i was prepared for an expecting, was that having a significant break from school, i would be able to step away and view my life through different eyes and then confidently decide what it was that i was made to do. my plan was to come back, knowing what i wanted and execute that journey through taking the classes and then graduating and living abundantly ever after doing this thing that i love. if you know me at all, you have picked up on the fact that i still don't know.

BUT as i said before, i think good and even great things come in small packages. my time in amsterdam was full of small packages; of hopes, insights, reason, discovery, passion, questioning, love, learning, creativity.

sometimes a sample spoon of good things is enough to satisfy, but i'd like a pint please.

2010-11-14T17:34:00.005+01:00

i'm so scattered. my mind's a mess with what i'm doing and what i want to be doing: but here's a nugget of truth and perspective that struck me and stuck with me this morning--

jeff cannell, has been teaching on joseph these past few weeks at central. he's brought my mind into this really cool place of loving these narratives in genesis.

i'm not going to go into much detail, in a few hours there will probably be a podcast that you can listen to him say it all more thoroughly and eloquently, but i wanted to slow down and really try to take in these words:

"it was not you who sent me here, but god"

joseph said, to his brothers who has sold him into slavery and caused his life to radically change, forever.

what a thing to remember, every time someone fails us, disowns us, loves us wrongly, rejects our dreams. when the trajectory of our path has changed directions and become wrong in our eyes, (especially at the grace of someone else's doing) it has so much potential to become wholly the lord's work, when it turns out good. our best choice, has already been shot. often, he cultivates his best in us after we feel whatever it is that we wanted, is shot down to the ground.

he is so good like that. i only wish patience wasn't so essential and that i could skip along and pick up on the foreshadowing of what is to come. don't we all just want to know the future?

beezus

2010-11-10T04:24:00.003+01:00

i was supposed to babysit tonight, but ended up having the evening off, which was nice. i needed to rest, i'm a bit sick. in the past few weeks as i've been hanging out with my third grade friend, we've watched some good movies, gone to bed at nine pm and eaten french toast for breakfast.

having the evening open up was good for my soul. i had afternoon plans but didn't push for them to happen because i wasn't feeling well and it was nice to be alone. i listened to jonsi and had the dvd of go playing in the background as i cut things out of magazines and embarked on my newest creative project. a series of "christmas" trees (yet not christmas at all, they're more like oak trees) describing my wonderful roommates through images.

we threw some random things together and called it dinner and then two of my roommates and nicole and i took a roadtrip to the dollar theater and saw ramona & beezus. great movie. i read all the books in elementary school and it was super fun seeing them come to life, although... i had quite the imagination and don't feel as if the pictures that i conjured up in my mind were ever less than movie quality as a young reader.

the movie was beautiful. i don't watch movies often, so maybe that makes most of the ones i do see, seem incredible. being entertained is such a treat. i love being immersed in a story. and hearing my friends laugh hysterically. stories like ramona or where the wild things are always make me cry though. (oh dear lord, two blogs about me crying.... don't give up on me) there's something about a kid that doesn't seem to fit in any of his or her surroundings: school, friends and probably the hardest is when they feel as if they don't fit in with their own family.

i still feel that way at twenty years old, in transition, not sure where i fit or where i want to fit. wanting to be things that i don't see naturally in who i am. it occurs to me that where i feel most comfortable is, in the role of hospitality (not that it's in-genuine or bad, just a sort of identity and comfort) or with some crazy accent being the center of attention. finding my place as a "normal" human being between the two is where i most often question who i am and my purpose in the situation.

i would love to learn the balance of finding all things that come my way, life-giving and therapeutic. i want to have grace in odd situations to simply be, to focus on the present only and learn to rest my mind and soul.

fall photos

2010-11-09T17:09:00.002+01:00

see more HERE

2010-11-08T22:07:00.003+01:00

i cried at work today. a lot.

i guess you could say that when it rains, it pours when it comes to me and my crying habits. i don't cry often, but when i do, i find that i have a really hard time transitioning from red puffy eyes to something fake. i've grown up a lot since i started serving. it used to be that someone didn't like their gyro and i was a mess. i was a super sensitive kid. i'm not nearly as sensitive anymore, but i do want nothing but the best for them and satisfaction from them, people i'm serving.

so, i way-over-reacted, but it was a sort of domino effect of other issues with work that were all connected by a common thread. i wish i could've brushed it off my shoulders and moved on and not cared what the old war-vet-suspender-wearing man said or the complaints of the even older onion ring eating man. but, i didn't.

what was really cool about it though, is that two people who i know: both from work and the vineyard community, stopped their conversations with their lunchmate and took a few minutes to give me a squeeze and pray for me. it was really beautiful. in the midst of a little meltdown to have an extra huge dose of encouragement and just feel loved by my people.

and as i was driving home from work (my wonderful coworkers let me go first, so i can work on a paper) only a couple of blocks from my house there was an accident, fender-bendery, but the emergency vehicles weren't there yet, there was a lady (maybe one of the passengers or passerby's) taking a pulse of a man with his eyes closed in the drivers seat.

i'm always reminded when i have any sort of mess in my life that it could always be so much worse and being reminded of that helps me to be very thankful and embrace the people, opportunities and situations that surround me.

i saw some amazing shows this week: jonsi & sufjan. ahhhh. love.

goodbye & hello

2010-11-01T03:19:00.003+01:00

goodbye blogtober, you've been interesting.
thank you for giving me space to think, process, write and read a little more than i have previously. i plan on incorperating you with everymonth. novemblog, decemblog, januawrite, feburead, march, april, may (i'll consider you a sabbatical since, as of now, i have nothing clever for your themes)

i hope you're all excited and expectant for a lot more facial hair, as tomorrow marks the beginning novemBEARD.

(disclaimer: no facial hair from me, inshallah, but of our friends of the male-species)

2010-10-29T05:31:00.003+02:00

i think that the most beautiful thing imaginable is truth. sometimes it's ugly, broken, worn. sometimes it's fragile, heavy and hard to handle. there are times when bread crumbs that lead us to truth are an un-put-together person, with lots of baggage and a story.

one thing that we are not always modeled, growing up. is how to wear garments of truth. we're constantly socialized to keep ourselves together, not to bring drama outside the house, to keep the dirty laundry where nobody can see it and definitely to know boundaries with respect to how much to share.

i could say lots of things to illustrate the fact that i believe, being broken, human and vulnerable is underrated. it is to be respected and accepted. not often do people own up to their insufficiencies with sheer acknowledgment that life is simply hard, uncomfortable, out of our own control. so often, we hear excuses about why this thing and that person kept us from getting done, what needed to be done.

my english teacher has recently alluded to the fact that life outside of school is hard, she's sorry for not having more of our papers graded and returned to us, but please grant her a bit more time as she resolves situations and can catch up with our stuff. this could be instantly judged as improper, unprofessional, etc. but i think that what this class is really teaching me, as we read essays and work on compositions pertaining to american identity, is that being truth is love. unveiling real, even at cost, is a gift in our society of airbrushed models and facebook status'.

this is my invitation, hopefully recollected to self, as needed as well as to you-- please, know that it's okay to be broken. and it's a beautiful display of grace and a good learning experience for those around you to be aware of imperfection as well.

i'm not really sure where this came from, i was just in awe of my professor's sheer honesty. less than embraced by the whole of culture, but i love it. she's taught me a lot today.

on a lighter note, my friend, joe shearer wrote a stellar review of the last iukahouse show. Check it out HERE.

2010-10-26T16:41:00.011+02:00

the very smallest of things hit me in a very odd way, sometimes. i'm almost embarrassed to write the connections my mind makes, but here goes... i'm sitting in my biology class, in a dreamy sort of daze. it's more of a learn-everything-yourself class, just because it's pretty intense subject matter as well as a pretty intense accent my teacher has. either way, i just took off my jacket and had this 'i'm grown up' thought. not that i wasn't allowed to take off my jacket as i liked when i was younger, but it was just a snap judgement and boom here i am. twenty years old. sitting in college. no more uniforms. i can wear flip flops in the winter. and where was my mom when i changed my shirt three times today? to tell me she liked the first one the best and i should go back to it.

i live in a house with amazing people. we're all so different. we're all navigating our way through the transition from young adult to who we're growing up to be. i'm so thankful. i feel like i say it a lot, but it's never enough to really reiterate the fact, that it's true. i love the people in my house. i learn things, mostly by watching the way that they live. quietly, humbly, loudly, gracefully, energetically, full-forcidly, creatively, genuinely, adventurously, simply and justly.

i love to do things with my housemates. meals together, making art together, throwing parties and house shows together and our most recent endeavor.... is still a secret.

i'm sitting here, growing older. searching for ways to practically live out my passions. praying to be more faithful in small things, to be open minded to what god wants to teach me in these days of reverie.

from our house show, sunday evening:

From ram·bling:traveling from place to place; wandering

celebrating what's right in community

2010-10-16T15:31:00.004+02:00

yesterday was so wonderful. it was no momentous occasion, but a steady rhythm of grace and good all day long. starting out with 8:46 when i woke up to a panic having missed my first sixteen minutes of class and being three miles from school and in my pajamas. out of all classes, i hate to miss this one-- my professor is amazing, when he speaks i feel as if i'm at a poetry reading or a evangelical church service, he's got a lot of passion in his voice, it's wonderful. he's a math teacher, my favorite thing about him is the way he says algebraically, "al-ge-burr-ik-ly".

making it to math class by 9:01 wasn't the highlight of my day, i'm glad i made it though. work was good, incredibly busy, i worked with some great people. i usually go straight to work from school, but yesterday because i went to school in pajamas i came home in-between to change (and made a delicious quick breakfast).

last night we had an acoustic house show. comparing myself to the very first house show of the summer to this one shows me how much i've changed. it's fantastic. here's ten things i loved about last night:

1. the iuka house became fans of one of our biggest heros in a different venue. levi ely has been our favorite photographer ever since he showed up and we met him for the first time at our first house show in june and now he's one of our favorite musicians also!

2. without facebook, i hadn't even a clue on who was coming. i had invited my group of friends, but even with them-- you never know who's going go show up! the people that were there were just the best. i met some great new people, saw some friends i met last week and had a whole bunch of my golden old friends.

3. free starbucks coffee, in make-it-yourself french presses in kitchen. thanks to andy malone for spending this chapter of his life in the barista business.

4. it was finally cold enough, to have a fire. all summer long we've liked the idea of fire, so sometimes we'd make one even as it's gift to us was highly unpractical. visually, okay. but temperature wise, we'd constantly be moving away from the fire!

5. the first house show in june, was sensory overload. i walked around like a zombie saying quick hellos to everyone and giving out popsicles. after the first several i looked back and realized i hadn't had any decent conversations lasting more than a minute or so. last night was great, i had lots-- i still struggle with being distracted when there are so many people in such close surroundings, but i had some really great chats with people.

6. the party usually crashes from a ton of people-hangoutforawhile-and then it's simply done. what i love about last night, is that it whittled it's way down slowly and there were six or eight of us hanging out for several hours, sitting around a hookah and sharing playlists and at one point introducing ourself and telling why we adore mumford and sons (one guy doesn't get the craze at all, totally understandable).

7. sometimes i have ideas, most people think they're not good but sometimes there's just one person who believes in the idea and considers it good and comes alongside you and-- in this case, we made pancakes. for everyone. glenn is the idea-activator. he wasn't here for six minutes at half past eleven when he was using our mini-whisk to stir a big batch of pancake batter. so fun, standing around in the kitchen eating pancakes with different generations and all types of people.

8. my pastor-friend jared, came and brought his first grade daughter. i told him the night before that he should. he asked, "why?" and i told him "culture." i think she liked it and i think that someday if i have kids, they'll enjoy frequenting house shows also.

9. by googling jonathon hape, for which i wanted to say i not only enjoyed his music (& matt potts also!) but i also enjoy the handmade ten-of-a-kind fox harf (hat-scarf) that he sold at his merchtable, as i googled him on his blog, i came across this guy who was also at the house show and i had no idea who he is, but apparently he's theAdamGlass, which is pretty cool. (press play and listen to a story about new pants)

10. is that levi's wife and my friend- val ely organized this show. from flier and inviting people to knowing and inviting the musicians to play, from start to finish it was wonderful having her do that. i sat and listened.

these are just ten glimpses of the good and grace of last night. i'm realizing that for so long my vision for community has been unrealistically wide and last night was a perfect width and was the context for community now being cultivated more deeply.

sonnet of sorts?

2010-10-15T04:38:00.005+02:00

love is handwritten notes on leaves. love is not meant to impress but simply, to be. love is creative, life giving and grows as it's given away.

i've been holding my breathe for a week it seems-- projects, papers, readings and quizzes all weighing heavy on my every second. i've given my self so much time to work on these things, but no matter what environment, caffeine level or my company- i cannot seem to focus. other than in the early morning, when there's nothing but quiet, dark and lonely. deadlines creeping up and inspiring me for some of my best work, at no hour other than the eleventh.

why am i like this? i don't know. almost everyone i know is a self proclaimed procrastinator yet it doesn't seem to tie up their every living moment and haunt their sleep and their play like it does me.

anyway, back to bacon. as in the last post, ten days ago. nicole keeps reminding me of the growing number of days since i last posted. i made a connection today, nicole said it had been ten days since the last post and i made a piece of bacon this afternoon, the first time since my last post so that means my package of bacon must be well over ten days old, i'm not sure how healthy that is, but it tasted good. i thought that i would've forever lost my taste for bacon after last week's scare and gross-out. not so.

this afternoon after wrapping up a very intense week of school and wanting to not be in school i was so relived as my last class let out. i wanted to relax, give myself a mental break and do something enjoyable. so i called kate. nothing sounded too good to either of us, except being in each other's presence and catching up without the continuous interruption of homework (which usually causes our conversations to be paragraphs instead of pages). we took a walk, gathered some amazing leaves, sang in a tunnel, soaked up autumn.

being with kate makes me really thankful. thankful to enjoy doing the simple things of life with someone that i love, doing life in close community. friendship is easily taken for granted, but it's golden and needs to be thoroughly reveled in and embraced.

cooking for one

2010-10-04T17:27:00.001+02:00

i've been wrestling with the fact that i seldom cook for one. when it comes to having a dinner party for thirty, or four or five friends sitting around the table, no problem. i enjoy the preparation, the conversation and just looking at my friends faces in my house and usually cleaning up afterwards is a good time for me too.

so, recently, i've been making a little bit of change in my life. trying to be a little bit more focused and spread less thinly with regards to the things i love and how i spend my time. for the most part i'm failing, but in some ways i have begun to succeed.

i was new york bound on friday, i had a one way ticket to islip. i was headed out there to visit family on long island and drive back with mom, aunt & grandma a couple of days later. i arrived to the airport with plenty of time (especially for a domestic flight) i checked in and proceeded to gate B26. after i had dropped my belongings on the conveyer belt and begun to walk to the human metal-detector, i had a shred of adrenaline, realizing that my backpack had the picnic setup in the front pocket. i decided to play it cool and walk through the detector and when they pulled me aside and confronted me, as to why i would ever bring two metal dinner knives, a wine opener complete with a pocket knife and some plates, i would just proceed with my real reaction, "oh, how could i have done that? i totally forgot they were in here, look the tags are still on 'em, i obviously haven't used them"

i would've been fine, had they asked. but they didn't, they let me slide. scary!

so, i'm sitting there, passing time when the loudspeaker informs us that the flight to laguardia has been cancelled, storms in new york. i'm flying to philly, so that didn't pertain to me, so much. but there were two flights supposed to be on my plane, and of course it was overbooked by two. so they offered a $250 travel voucher and my heart beat quickened. i've got to be the first one to the desk, i thought. but then i considered my family, and decided to have a conversation with the lady from the airline and see if maybe i would just have less of a layover but still make it to islip on time. nope. i'd be several hours late.

in the time that i took to decide what i was going to do, they had started boarding the airplane, and back into my head came the words from the original lady who checked me in, two hours before. you don't have a seat number, but you'll be just fine, you're confirmed.

putting pieces together, the fact that i maybe didn't have a seat, the storms in new york, travel money which i could use to visit my friend kelsey, in london. all of those factors led to my decision to stay in columbus. as much as i had anticipated the visit in new york, the idea of having a whole weekend without work or plans seemed so liberating and i had my mind made that it was going to be a great weekend, a stay-cation!

i texted a few friends, to find a ride home from the airport and my friend, kate, picked me up. we had the best afternoon. we're both super busy and invested in different ways we spend our time. it's seldom that we have a nice chunk of time to just be together. it was great though, we went to the market and studied (yes, we really did get stuff done) our only interruptions were: sharing what we were learning, refilling our coffee and a relocation as the sun moved to the other side of the building, of course we had to follow it.

after that, we went grocery shopping at trader joes. something i had been procrastinating for two weeks, "oh, i'm going to new york in a week, i shouldn't buy groceries" even though the amount of time that i would've used them was much more than the three days i'd be gone. but i suppose living car-less also effected the decision.

so i bought some food. good food. food that i would want to spend time making. less going out, less cereal.

two weeks before my friend nicole ran into eva at the grocery store. nicole made eva get some bacon. eva ate the bacon. eva is my roommate so i smelled the bacon. i've never been much of a bacon person, but it smelled so good. so i bought some bacon too.

i also bought some israeli couscous from the green grocer, at the north market.

fast forward. yesterday, i made both couscous & bacon (separately). today after a cold ride home from school on the scooter, i wanted to make some more couscous. as i was making it i decided i wanted some bacon and so i added it to the cous cous, and cooked it together.

here's what inspired this blog. i'm sitting there eating the cous cous and it's really not that good today. maybe my stuffy nose yesterday, ignored the fact that the spices were a little off ( my fault, not the grocers) but i also realized that by not cooking the bacon separately, that i was consuming a lot of bacon fat. ew. not only that, but it probably wasn't cooked all the way through. it's really hard to tell, being a soup texture meal. anyways, as i'm eating it. information enters my mind about pork needing to be well done, i think bacon falls into the pork category. anyways, if i die. i wanted to say, goodbye.

brisk morning rambles

2010-10-03T15:35:00.003+02:00

riding my scooter lately has brought me much joy. it's a mix between the cold fingers, ability to smell the overwhelmingly delicious freshly baked smell in certain places in downtown columbus, pulling up next to a car at a stoplight and watching them sing and dance and actually being able to hear the music that is causing them to do so.

i've been postponing a trip to the grocery store (number one, because i was supposed to be in new york this weekend, and number two, because i thought, "well how am i supposed to carry a gallon of milk on this thing")

i suppose part of my worldview/ person mind-set in interactions with other people, is the whole 'do unto others' philosophy. i've never thought about it much until today, but it makes sense. it's a driving force in actions and trajectory during the day.

so, last night when i used the remaining 3/4 of the new gallon of milk one of my roommates had just purchased i promised to replace it as soon as possible. so this morning, it's on my mind first thing. there needs to be milk by ten am incase somebody wants cereal. so i get to cross another first off my list, riding a motorscooter with a gallon of milk. make it two actually. milk and orange juice. it felt good to commute through the brisk autumny air and do something that i owed to my house. i was doing unto others...

...on the other hand, 'as you would have them do to you' the remainder of that 'do unto others' verse, is seemingly more of a let-down than not. i think one of my biggest off-the-track-and-thinking-wrongly mindsets is that everyone's under the same social mindset of 'doing unto others' and certain times, i can't comprehend why they wouldn't be doing exactly what they'd want done to them. but i'm wrong, and i have no right to expect that from anybody.

i am the problem; when i'm doing unto others, so that they might do back to be. more of a karma than love.

last sunday, a married couple openly shared some very hard things about their marriag--his tangible faults (visible in the way that many would recognize as wrong) and then her pride and judging (the more subtle, inner, hidden-deeply problems than can be kept much more of a secret) she always had it in her mind that almost anything that she could do wrong, it was still less bad than him, just because of the way his problem was a big in-your-face. she struggled to ever feel responsibility for her own problems, because they were more easily hidden.

the redemptive part of this story, is that they were both in the wrong, and even though it's hard to respond in grace to someone who has wronged you, if you respond in that way not because the person deserves it, but because you love jesus and you're willing to be humbled to love, even when it's not a fair trade. it changes things.

so, as much as that story didn't apply to me (unmarried as i am) it does apply very much to me. i want so badly to not let peoples actions and reactions effect me as they do. to want to continue loving (with my heart and with my hands, thoughts and actions) as i do and never to look around and realize that they aren't loving the people around them like that and feel discouraged. i want to, for the love of jesus, to be able to persevere and love them well. simply to 'do unto others as you would have them to do you'

and not 'do unto others because then they will do unto you(and others)'

grace, grace, grace. come, come into my life.

2010-10-01T13:47:00.002+02:00

dear october,

welcome into my life. you're in my top ten. you'd also make the top three cut.

miss tech

2010-09-30T22:42:00.003+02:00

it's been roughly four months since i've posted anything. several more since i've blogged regularly. but there is definitely change and growth in my life and i'm excited to share thoughts & things i'm learning and just the lenses through which i see things.

in the midst of this desire to being to write more, i've decided to take a breather from the all-time-consuming, facebook.

this week, i've been a bit of a mess. my car's broken and i've been riding my scooter thirty-forty miles a day between school and work. it's been raining too.

out of curiosity i wanted to see how long it took me to get to school today, so i kept my phone in the pocket of my jacket, as i was turning into the parking lot at columbus state somebody honked at me, at first i was caught unaware and didn't realize that it was me they were trying to catch the attention of, when i did, they kindly told me they had seen my phone fall out of my pocket.

so i parked, went back and searched with no luck. so now, i'm phoneless also and contemplating the position my phone has in my life. i'm asking questions like, how will i wake up in the morning? how will i get ahold of my relatives when i arrive in NY tomorrow afternoon? how will i know almost everything (well, truly quite a bit less information than if i had a smart phone, but my phone is smart because i have friends that i call and ask to look up authors when i'm at a book store or directions when i'm lost on my way to pecha-kucha)

all this to say, technology is an overwhelmingly large part of my world. even as consumer-little as i strive to be, it owns me. so i will embrace it for an hour, and then go and see what cheap, crappy phone verizon will give me so that i can take my math 148 quiz at 8:30 tomorrow morning.

favorite things

2010-05-17T00:22:00.015+02:00

lately, the most eclectic mix of songs has been on repeat in my inner-head stereo. wow, i sound a little crazy, but there's no other way to put it! the sound of music is a favorite classic. it reminds me of my childhood, my recent past and sometimes, the present. reveling in our favorite things is a nice way of celebrating what's right in the world, one of the most necessary things for the soul, in the midst of a seriously broken and hurting world.

"my favorite things"

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens;
Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens;
Brown paper packages tied up with strings;
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cream-colored ponies and crisp apple strudels;
Doorbells and sleigh bells and schnitzel with noodles;
Wild geese that fly with the moon on their wings;
These are a few of my favorite things.
Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes;
Snowflakes that stay on my nose and eyelashes;
Silver-white winters that melt into springs;
These are a few of my favorite things.
When the dog bites,
When the bee stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

i'm going to spare you my epic singing-at-the-top-of-my-lungs on my bike or in my car, and share some of my favorite things through photos:

rooms full of books, bike rides, sharing a meal, craft time, board games and funny books, taking pictures of lovely friends, painting chairs in the ravine, cooking a rainbow of colors, going to see mumford & sons!

2010-05-14T02:09:00.004+02:00

i've been busy nesting and

renesting in a lovely new place i (and four others)

call home, it's wonderful.

here's a picture & a poem.

Tree House
A tree house, a free house,
A secret you and me house,
A high up in the leafy branches
Cozy as can be house.

A street house, a neat house,
Be sure and wipe your feet house
Is not my kind of house at all --
Let's go live in a tree house.

craigslist vs. poetry

2010-04-05T07:10:00.002+02:00

a few days ago, conversation led to "missed connections" on craigslist. haha, what a joke (in some cases illustrated!). sometimes, i'm glad they're there for a laugh, but seriously. why miss connections? let's just be honest. let's have faith. let's take risks. let's embrace the present and chase after a person in the park, just because they're carrying a guitar and you want to hear music.

in contrast, my favorite poem:

Love the quick profit, the annual raise,
vacation with pay. Want more
of everything ready-made. Be afraid
to know your neighbors and to die.
And you will have a window in your head.
Not even your future will be a mystery
any more. Your mind will be punched in a card
and shut away in a little drawer.
When they want you to buy something
they will call you. When they want you
to die for profit they will let you know.

So, friends, every day do something
that won't compute. Love the Lord.
Love the world. Work for nothing.
Take all that you have and be poor.
Love someone who does not deserve it.
Denounce the government and embrace
the flag. Hope to live in that free
republic for which it stands.
Give your approval to all you cannot
understand. Praise ignorance, for what man
has not encountered he has not destroyed.

Ask the questions that have no answers.
Invest in the millenium. Plant sequoias.
Say that your main crop is the forest
that you did not plant,
that you will not live to harvest.
Say that the leaves are harvested
when they have rotted into the mold.
Call that profit. Prophesy such returns.

Put your faith in the two inches of humus
that will build under the trees
every thousand years.
Listen to carrion - put your ear
close, and hear the faint chattering
of the songs that are to come.
Expect the end of the world. Laugh.
Laughter is immeasurable. Be joyful
though you have considered all the facts.
So long as women do not go cheap
for power, please women more than men.
Ask yourself: Will this satisfy
a woman satisfied to bear a child?
Will this disturb the sleep
of a woman near to giving birth?

Go with your love to the fields.
Lie down in the shade. Rest your head
in her lap. Swear allegiance
to what is nighest your thoughts.
As soon as the generals and the politicos
can predict the motions of your mind,
lose it. Leave it as a sign
to mark the false trail, the way
you didn't go. Be like the fox
who makes more tracks than necessary,
some in the wrong direction.
Practice resurrection.

[Mad Farmer Liberation Front, Wendell Berry]

bmv + kingdom of heaven

2010-03-26T02:48:00.005+01:00

so, i love when real life sparks some sort of connection to jesus and the way he sees things. it happens quite often, if you're open to it. today, i was sitting in the bmv to get some plates and temps for my scooter. i started the process in november, but then it got cold so i parked it in the garage and decided to wait. nobody really likes going to the bmv, come on. maybe an adventure for a senior citizen, a good reason to get out of the house, but the most of us dread it wholly.

well, i was sitting there over a span of two hours and thinking about how ugly of a process it is, yet how beautiful it is. everybody is equal. i was surrounded by smelly people, beautiful people, foreign people, 'merican people, etc.

everybody gets a number, everybody is placed in a line. no socioeconomic plusses or minuses will set them back or benefit them in anyway.

we love things to be fair, hypothetically speaking, but when it comes down to it, it's not natural for us (who have lots and lots and lots more than others) to value equality.

i want to see everybody like jesus sees them. i'm guilty of snap judgments and judgments in general. as much as i desire to be someone that doesn't have prejudices or egocentrism, i do.

i'm not a very organized person, when it comes to reading the bible, i tend to go for a pocket sized copy of the message version and flip it open and read something on that page (unless i'm not in the mood for that, then i flip it open to a different spot and try again) now, i know sometimes a verse without context can be kind of crazy, but here's what i just flipped open to, i like it:

So clean house! Make a clean sweep of malice and pretense, envy and harmful talk. You've had a taste of God. Now, like infants at the breast, drink deep of God's pure kindness. Then you'll grow up mature and whole in God. [ 1 peter 2:1]

visual aid

2010-03-17T05:17:00.000+01:00

spilled milk

2010-03-15T23:30:00.003+01:00

i've been feeling the desire to blog for a few days now. although, i feel as if i need something radically exciting or thought provoking or controversial to discuss (nix that, i tend to err on the side of peacemaking over controversy, most of the time) anyway, as this quarter is coming to an end i realize the substantial amount of things i've learned in the past several weeks. so much. but i'm not going to talk about those things either. i'd like to share with you my mundane, yet lively experience with spilled milk this afternoon.

i went to the grocery store to pick up what our essentials are: milk, olive oil, bananas, sea salt, lentils, yogurt, orange juice and some grapes and sushi to celebrate that it's almost time for finals to be over (i have yet to take them all, but i'm all about celebrating the small things)

so i came up the steps carrying my amsterdam basket full of produce and then plastic bags with the heavier items. the sushi's spicy sauce had spilled inside of the basket (calamity I) so i get over that and continue up the steps leaving the basket outside so i could carefully carry it up without making more of a mess, come inside, set down the stuff, run out to get the basket, come back in carry a few things to the kitchen, come back for the heavier items. drop the milk.

ahhh, explosion! all over the hallway! a whole gallon of milk, on top of the wood floors!!! (calamity II)

okay! grab a bath towel and start to soak it up. rinse it. while rinsing it, water shoots out of the shower and onto my head (calamity III). i use the towel and several others to clean up the mess. several times while rinsing, water would just find itself pouring onto my head! so crazy.

so i'm now in sweatpants/sweatshirt with the back of my head wet.

i decided to keep going, so i mopped the rest of the hallway, cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen and the hallway. i got a lot done.

the whole time i'm thinking, there's always some kind of moral to the story, i like when i can make connnections to spirituality and simply life with the very mundane and dirty things that we go through day to day. i guess, this one was, sometimes when something breaks or explodes, something goes wrong, someone hurts you, it's a lovely time to not only clean up that mess or fix that problem, but while you're in it, you minds well keep on going, cleaning and cleaning while you're at it and dirty and deal with grotesque while you're already on your hands and knees mopping up spilled milk.

the spilled milk led to a clean house, which led to baking bread, which led to making lentil soup, which led to blogging about being a domestic. although, i'm really not.

because none of this would've happened if i wasn't procrastinating continuing studying for my finals.....

goodbye.

2010-02-14T13:50:00.002+01:00

so, maybe it's still snowing. but inwardly it's a season of change. a week or two ago, i heard this, and it pretty much rocked my world; so i thought i'd share!

JOY= awareness of GRACE

so, by looking at things through 'grace-lenses' you will surprisingly be overwhelmed with joy.

2010-01-28T15:25:00.004+01:00

i'm greatly anticipating spring already, is that bad?

probably not. up until last year, i never got much enjoyment out of spring. aesthetically, fall has always been my favorite, probably because that was my mom's choice of seasons and i, like her, saw the beauty as well. during my school years, i was always so eager for summer that spring just came and went as i was focused on smaller things, i'm not really sure what, but i just don't have spring memories.

last year, i was packing up to go to the UK for a few months, saying goodbye to friends in amsterdam ready for a change of scenery, pace, community, life. got on the bus, headed towards the english channel, and before you knew it my plans had U-turned me back to amsterdam. i wouldn't want it any other way.

yes, it was hard changing my mindset, being thankful to be back, getting over the plane tickets to morocco that set there unused. but it was the most beautiful season of change and growth, both outside and inside of me. probably a good half of my 'amsterdam memories' come from the spring, that extra time that shouldn't even have been mine.

sarphati park, venti d's, seeing the tulips blossom, queensday, a blanket and a book on green grass, futbal in vondelpark, walks in beatrixpark, falafelburgers on the edge of a canal, lots of dates with each of the kids, a new love for life outside the house.

blame it on school or just having my eyes closed, i never saw spring.

well, now i'm ready-set-go for this spring business. i'm ready, i'm excited, i'm hopeful.

not only am i anticipating the season itself, but enjoying it where i am now. i'm loving columbus these days.

what a day

2009-12-31T17:26:00.004+01:00

oh what a day,

i went to the FOAM (photography) museum in the center of Amsterdam today.

Was thinking about going to see Van Gogh again (I could visit it a hundred times) but decided instead, to take flowers to our old flat neighbor, Mevrouw Prijs, on the Rijnstraat.

I picked some pretty pink tulips at the Albert Cuyp Market and biked over to her house with them, hoping she'd answer her door (I had a back up plan of who the flowers were going to if she didn't). She did. It was lovely to see her. She was in her foxy animal print bathrobe socks, and slippers. She said something about wanting to go put on her pants, but she never did.

She's a very sweet old woman. Difficult when we lived on the flat above her, but in comparison to the new neighbor, she's an angel.

So we spoke in a mix of dutch and english (Dinglish?) She was always telling me, when i lived her, "you need a dutch boyfriend" when i showed her pictures on my digital camera of the friend I hung out with yesterday, she said, "dutch boyfriend?" I said, "No, He's American. And definitely not boyfriend!"

It's crazy how you can communicate with so few words.

I know she's visited New York and Miami before, she's shown me things in her house from there. She asked, "Where in America?" and I told her, "Ohio" thinking there's a possibility she's familiar with a map of the states, I offered her my Ohio tattoo. She made a disgusted face, like many elderly people might to a tattoo.... I said something like, "Nay, you don't like the tattoo?"

She showed me her arm and then I remembered she lived in the Netherlands during the Holocaust, she had numbers tattooed on her left arm for many, many years. Until later when she was getting another operation and they were able to do a skin graft, and now only a tiny dot remains.

She brought me some chocolate cake and this elegany antique tiny fork. Her house is amazing, everything in it looks like it's 100 years old, i'm sure it's close.

I just felt like this was something that I didn't want to forget. What an amazing day.

On my bike home from her house, I got hit with fireworks! The whole city goes crazy for New Years, kids set of legit sized fireworks on street corners, I screamed as I rode and bits of fire were all around me. Crazy, crazy. Oh, Amsterdam!

ode to friends

2009-12-28T14:31:00.008+01:00

it's funny, two weeks in amsterdam, what a treat.

another treat is that columbus is where my heart lies now.

this holiday in amsterdam is absolutely lovely and a blessing to be able to reengage with this city and remember what i loved so much. it's so good to see the people here too. catch up on life, tickles, childrens books, hugs, fresh mint, markets and bike culture.

god is so amazing and just opened up some amazing doors of places to serve and really, really, really beautiful friendships in columbus.

ESL was definitely the entrance to realizing that i could be a tool for the kingdom in columbus. it taught me to appreciate diversity in my own city. that i don't have to be out of the country to have these eclectic international encounters and experiences.

i've always been a sort of "more is more" person in the friend department, i like networking, running into people i barely know and starting from there, but since i've been home i've realized the beauty of deeper relationships. sharing life. eating popcorn together.

i feel so blessed, just about every single day i'm amazed at what great people i know. it's so refreshing to have friends that are very different than you, but also friends that share the same heart and mind with you. friends that dream dreams for my life and i plan out where i want them to go with me! wise friends that encourage us dreamers to stay in school. friends to eat falafel with. friends that are cool with you dropping by when they're sick for a hug. friends that have an idea and (not even kidding) it happens to be on your "things to do in 2009" list. friends that are worth turning on the phone to spend time with. friends that listen. friends that have the most amazing laughs in the world. friends that love you more than plan a.

friends that are messed up, human, sad and hurting. but they still let you into their life and together, search for joy.

(photo by dotty christensen)

my friend kate snow showed up at my house on my birthday with a flower and a small book containing a lovely story about flowerpassing, read it here!

sinterklaas

2009-12-24T12:42:00.004+01:00

I was just talking to Lucas and he said,

I Know what I'm going to see under the tree tomorrow.

What?

A bike and a lightsaber.

How do you know that?

Because I left two notes.

this is his AMAZING not to santa claus/sinter klaas

try reading it yourself first... when you're in need of transation, see below:

dear santa claus,

I would like a bike for Weelle Much for Christmas.

That is rorinch (orange)

Please Santa Claus.

Love,

Lucas

And then he addded:

And hed fonts

(head phones)

from the picture, i thought he was asking for gauges.

EVERYTHING is AMAZING so far.

I will keep you updated with cute stories and pictures, don't you worry!

Meanwhile, if you're the least bit interested in dutch culture/tradition or simply a good laugh... this is worth a read or better yet a listen :)

SIX TO EIGHT BLACK MEN

(option to listen on top left)

flying

2009-12-22T22:29:00.003+01:00

it's becoming quite consistent, that i step into the plane, find my seat and fall quickly into a deep sleep. there's something stunning and brilliant about changing worlds. traveling from east to west and west to east, traveling forward, backward and through time. going on some sort of adventure to see someone or something. it's a beautiful thing when you're happy with the place that you're leaving. you're not leaving to run from or escape anything or anyone.

fall asleep smiling,

wake up in a dreamy state,

look outside the window,

floating on top of clouds,

real clouds.

the flight attendant speaks fast, her words slide right through me.

the plane becomes nearer to a patchwork city.

the snow covers the ground, specks of black houses and then more white on the roofs.

where is the colorful world i thought in which i live?

i look around.

WE ARE THE COLOR.

the lady in green on her way to new zealand. the grandma going back home to tunesia in her paisley print hijab. the teenage girls headed to france. the baby who feels as if he's through traveling forever even though he's only two.

consumerism ≠ christmas

2009-12-21T15:52:00.000+01:00

falling

2009-12-03T06:02:00.002+01:00

the civil wars. i found them two weeks ago. fell in love immediately with their free cd download (linked from their myspace) i saw them play in columbus tonight, they were amazing. there's something i love about people watching and i also love to see people appreciate music in their own way, that's one of the beautiful things about watching live music. well, enjoy.

my eyes are small

2009-12-02T00:22:00.005+01:00

life is crazy. and brief.

long enough to forget things you ought to remember but short enough to feel like your list of "to-do's" might far outweigh your lists of have dones at the end of it all.

three years ago, some friends and i were held up at gunpoint, it still is pretty colorful in my mind. who i've become has changed a lot since then. i like the change. i prefer it. i've learned to not procrastinate (except when it comes to things such as homework) living. i've been able to take secrets whispered in my ear, ideas from god and do them. do them without knowing how things will or won't turn out. just trusting.

it's funny how things that were so ordinary six or eight months ago are already slipping from my mind. it feels as though a beautiful reoccurring dream has stopped repeating itself in my mind. somethings bring back the liveliness of a life i once lived far away, but i wonder how much i'm forgetting.

my eyes are small but they have seen the beauty of enormous things

i am from

2009-11-12T07:12:00.004+01:00

this was inspired by brooke who got it from eva who got it from someone that was inspired by george ella lyon

i am from baby dolls, homemade playdough and pumpkin rolls.
i am from middle of the night excursions, on call and swings.
i am from suitcases and swift exchanges.
i am from jumping in leaves and columbus square.
i am from the smell of smoke, bengals and sunday school.
i am from running late and curly blonde fro.
i am from bible school, honeysuckles and campouts.
i am from bay point, dairy dock and family feud.
i am from dreaming, inventing, tears and travel.
i am from violin and homeschooled friends.
i am from a little bubble in a great big world.
i am from little house on the prarie and Pauline avenue.
i am from sharing my house and clementine.
i am from “ana bahebek” and “capeesh”
i am from “I see the moon” and prayers for far away friends.
i am from book parades and “come into my heart”
i am from the smell of musk and wyandot lake.
i am from the middle east and ‘my country tis of thee.’
i am from imagination and baba ghannough.

2009-10-25T23:54:00.002+01:00

i miss dance parties with gigi and her unceasing love of christmas music no matter what time of year it is....

christmas music + gigi + dance party from rachel baransi on Vimeo.

love is free

2009-10-10T14:33:00.005+02:00

Love is Free from Homeless Drew on Vimeo.

(i suggest clicking the four-arrows, in the bottom right corner, 2nd over, to make it full screen)

i really respect this guy, he's got a lot of creativity and insight. this is a sixty minute documentary that drew daniels created after going homeless for forty days in the summer of 2008.

"Love is Free seeks to bring awareness as well as action among it's viewers, pushing them outside of their comfort zone to understand the marginalized through relationships. Drew doesn't call for distant charity, but for all individuals to get their hands dirty in the very personal work of caring for the world's needy."

from julia:

2009-10-07T05:47:00.000+02:00

a conversation between lucas & i at bedtime:

lucas: 'mom, how am i going to figure out who i'm going to marry?'
me: 'lucas you don't have to worry about that for a long time.'
lucas: 'but i just want to know now!!!'
me: but you won't get married until you are 20 or 30 or 40
lucas: but do i just find a girl with no dad (he meant husband) and marry her?
me: sort of. but you should love her too. but yes she should have no husband.
lucas: so who's it going to be? brooke or allie?
me: either one would be a great pic. i think you should marry one of them. but they're a bit old.
lucas: so when i'm 25 they will be dead?
me: no, but they're a bit old. you should ask the lord.
lucas: i can't hear his voice.
me: well, just take a deep breath and say 'lord please speak to me'
lucas: (deep breath) 'lord please speak to me
lucas: (a few seconds later): 'God said rachel baransi'

2009-09-26T05:27:00.002+02:00

a year ago today, i wrote this:

rushing diagonally

Do you know what it's like to be in such a hurry that you can't even afford to cross the street in straight lines, that you have to save time by not only walking across the street but also nearing the direction you must go next? I call this rushing diagonally and it really hit me today how much my life has been a crazy jumble rushing from one activity to another for the past two to three years.

It started out with school, then a job, then church, then driving, then the college search, then the college applications and visiting schools, then being class president, then putting together graduation speeches and invitations and parties and then traveling and now moving. None of these things are bad at all, but when you don't have time to walk across the road there is something wrong! I brought all of the stress upon myself and it has been so worth it, but now is a time to slow down to catch up. Catch up with Jesus, catch up with investing in his kingdom, catch up with his plan and who he wants me to be! I'm so thrilled to have a break from everything that's been so normal these last few years, and focus on people and a family and a church plant.

I love the last lyrics from "Beauty of the Lord" by the Desperation Band.... "Jesus your love, it takes my breath away/ I'm living everyday for the beauty of the Lord/ Jesus your love, it takes my breath away" I don't want fast paced living to take my breath away, I want it to be that I am captured by the beauty and love of the Lord. Goodnight!

& tonight I'm reflecting on where I am now, I'm loving the place that I'm at. I feel much less stressed than before. I feel really joyfully invested in the things I am doing right now: ESL, School, Work (part-time) & I've been blessed with some really amazing people in my life, just hanging out, doing life with them!

I have the time to cross the street without rushing diagonally . I have the time to drive around and get lost getting to know downtown Columbus. I have time to finish the dishes. I have time to make my bed. I have time to hang out with kids. I have time to learn names. I have time to go for a bike ride. I have time to dream and encourage others to dream too. I have time to wait four minutes for french pressed coffee. I have time to waste....... I have time to blog.

Goodnight world!

today i miss:

2009-09-24T07:14:00.003+02:00

today i miss:

silly moments

& reading Shel Silverstein's The Giving Tree to Lucas!

Once there was a tree..... and she loved a little boy. And every day the boy would come and he would gather her leaves and make them into crowns and play king of the forest. He would climb up her trunk and swing from her branches and eat apples. And they would play hide-and-go-seek. And when he was tired, he would sleep in her shade. And the boy loved the tree.......very much. And the tree was happy.

But time went by. And the boy grew older. And the tree was often alone. Then one day the boy came to the tree and the tree said "Come, Boy, come and climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and eat apples and play in my shade and be happy"

"I am too big to climb and play", said the boy. "I want to buy things and have fun. I want some money. Can you give me some money?" "I'm sorry," said the tree, "but I have no money, I have only leaves and apples. Take my apples, Boy, and sell them in the city. Then you will have money and you will be happy." And so the boy climbed up the tree and gathered her apples and carried them away. And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away for a long time.. and the tree was sad. And then one day the boy came back and the tree shook with joy and she said, "Come, Boy, climb up my trunk and swing from my branches and be happy." "I am too busy to climb trees," said the boy. "I want a house to keep me warm," he said. "I want a wife and I want children, and so I need a house. Can you give me a house?" "I have no house," said the tree. "The forest is my house, but you may cut off my branches and build a house. Then you will be happy." And the boy cut off her branches and carried them away to build his house. And the tree was happy.

But the boy stayed away for a long time. And when he came back, the tree was so happy she could hardly speak. "Come, Boy," she whispered, "come and play." "I am too old and sad to play," said the boy. "I want a boat that take me far away from here. Can you give me a boat?" "Cut down my trunk and make a boat," said the tree. "Then you can sail away...... and be happy." And so the boy cut down her trunk and made a boat and sailed away. And the tree was happy....

but not really. And after a long time the boy came back again. "I am sorry, Boy," said the tree,

"but I have nothing left to give you----" "My apples are gone." "My teeth are too weak for apples," said the boy. "My branches are gone," said the tree. "You cannot swing on them------" "I am too old to swing on branches," said the boy. "My trunk is gone," said the tree. "You cannot climb--------" "I am too tired to climb," said the boy. "I am sorry," sighed the tree. "I wish that I could give you something------ but I have nothing left. I am just an old stump." "I don't need very much now," said the boy. "just a quiet place to sit and rest. I am very tired." "Well," said the tree, straightening herself up as much as she could, "well, an old stump is good for sitting and resting. Come, Boy, sit down. Sit down and rest." And the boy did. And the tree was happy.

celebrating what's right with my job

2009-09-19T22:57:00.003+02:00

1. Eye contact. People always make my day by saying I have pretty eyes, thanks!
2. When it's busy I make money, when it's slow I make friends.
"In your world there are no strangers, only friends you haven't met yet-- lots of them."
3. Instead of getting harassed for being a "people pleaser" I get paid to do it!
4. I get the honor of serving people in a practical and real way. Rich people. Poor people. Pretty people. Ugly people. Good smelling people. Bad smelling people. Regulars. First timers.
5. The customers are my community, my friends. I get to see them at coffee shops or grocery stores, their place of work & facebook (grin).
6. I feel good about what I'm selling/serving. Proud to be part of the "family business" Encouraged by the outstanding commitment of the customers (and their love of my dad!)
7. Encouraging conversations. People with jokes about pita. A dry sense of humor. A funny shirt. Those with a sunny disposition.
8. My coworkers, it's the hardest part of the job-- but when you get the hang of each other, it's very sweet.
9. Well, obviously... the food!
10. That Nazareth is part of my identity, sure, people forget my name.... but do they forget that I'm associated with Nazareth? Never.

right now i'm missing

2009-09-19T05:04:00.002+02:00

i'm in the midst of so much change, everyday is an adventure.

at the same time there's so much sorrow, so much weight, so much sadness around me.

lives lost-- a mother, a very lively young man: i didn't know them but it's a reminder of the brevity of life on earth.

what the hell am i doing?

am i making good choices? the most of every day? am i loving people well enough? am i standing up for what is right? am i using my money wisely? my time?

well, right now i'm missing my friend, my little brother, my crazy monopoly opponent, my fellow adventure seeker, my ice cream eating buddy, my kitchen-boy, my rootbeer-lovin', my life of the party, my rescuer, my young-but mature: my connor.

101 days of summer

2009-09-10T15:09:00.015+02:00

i've been back 101 days, here are some of the highlights:

being greeted by beautiful faces

getting reacquainted with my cute-mom (aka roommate!)

getting to know & love the jones girls
the breathe festival [revolution]

celebrating my dad's amazing 20 years of hard work and restaurant owning!

22's second year of "free ice cream for hiawatha"

spontaneous candlelit worship nights in the park, in the rain

skype, keeping me connected with my loves in amsterdam

gallery hop, street music, beautiful street music

playing in the rain

raindrops on windshields, windshields on roadtrips.

loving the kissners-- those present and those in england.

open mike night

i'm always amazed at the talent in our community!

making hobo dinners at breathe!

getting involved at the vineyard community center, such a joy.

hopping on school busses and taking field trips, every thursday.

i want to see the world through their eyes!

celebrating independence.

bike nights

conversing with this guy, to keep him from screaming at people.

comfest

ESL (English as a Second Language) Class!!!!

enjoying the art of glassblowing. shout out to the jason antol studio!

beautiful dinners, with beautiful family, on Long Island, NY.

Sarah & Judah getting married

The Deleware Vineyard's Mexico fundraiser, so great!

new york.

spontaneous fun with very young at heart friends!

dinners on the enchanted patio.

forgotten language

2009-08-21T14:29:00.009+02:00

i'm thinking about my friend gigi, she'll be four tomorrow!

Once I spoke the language of the flowers,

Once I understood each word the caterpillar said,

Once I smiled in secret at the gossip of the starlings,

And shared a conversation with the housefly

in my bed.

Once I heard and answered all the questions

of the crickets,

And joined the crying of each falling dying

flake of snow,

Once I spoke the language of the flowers. . . .

How did it go?

How did it go

-shel silverstein

work is fun, what?

2009-07-27T19:42:00.003+02:00

business person. mechanic. waitress. engineer. business owner. journalist. photographer. salesperson. nurse. realtor. property manager. personal assistant. psychologist. teacher. doctor.

there are so many people out there to help us: fix things, buy things, learn about things, feel better, get things straightened out. there are also people who inspire us and people we learn so much from. for me one of the best ways to learn and love life is through children.

a while back, while staying at l'abri eck en weil in the netherlands during one of the normal lunch discussions (anyone can ask anything, and it's discussed in an informal but polite manner) one of the day's visitors posed the question, "why do we work?"

my brain was spinning, it's a haven't-been-through-too-many-bad-work-experiences kind of spin. my thoughts were pretty positive. silenced, i listened to others share experiences and monotony of jobs less than desired.

the question has continued to haunt me as a feel so much pressure to decide what to major in and what classes to take. a year ago now, i had hopes of coming back and knowing exactly what direction my life would go after a nice break from normal, but i'm still not sure.

so here i am, still so unsure.

i really enjoy and admire the work ethic of a child. my coworker's daughter loves to come in and help around the restaurant, it's better than sitting at home bored. When I ask her if she wants money or something else for her hard work, she says, "Ice cream! I already have money"

...and yesterday, when I was hanging out with 3 delightful young friends, they helped me clean the garage (and half-washed my car!). I had them ponder the same question that's been on my mind for a couple of months now.

"Why do we work?"

"For money" said the youngest, looking forward to the $2 i had promised her along with her skateboard and other treasures from the garage.

"To help people" & "because you just feel good after you work" said the others.

so as i continue this journey to the ideal career i hope to keep the attitude of these hard working children that have blessed my life!

2009-07-22T14:53:00.002+02:00

Sonnet 18

William Shakespeare

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate:
Rough winds do shake the darling buds of May,
And summer's lease hath all too short a date;
Sometime too hot the eye of heaven shines,
And often is his gold complexion dimmed;
And every fair from fair sometimes declines,
By chance or nature's changing course untrimmed;
But thy eternal summer shall not fade,
Nor lose possession of that fair thou ow'st;
Nor shall death brag thou wand’rest in his shade,
When in eternal lines to time thou grow'st:
So long as men can breathe, or eyes can see,
So long lives this, and this gives life to thee.

cohdowahdo

2009-06-30T20:17:00.008+02:00

one of my favorite amsterdam memories, comes from early on... back in october, it was julia's birthday and the pathaks were in town. julia's request for dinner was indian food, out of three or four dishes one of them was pretty good! it was a really sweet time. so the pickerills and the pathaks headed up to brooke's house for a party and i stayed home with the kids. lucas and jazz are really sweet buddies, they had been inseparable all day. it was bedtime and the three of us were laying on lucas's floor (where we had made an extra little bed on top of blankets and pillows). we were laying on the floor just talking about life. jasmine's father is a pastor at the arvada vineyard in colorado. (or gigi would always say, "coh-do-wah-do") it was just so fun talking to these little people! at one point they were talking about their churches, jasmine said, "the size of my church is from connor's bed to about this much (holding her hands about a foot apart) past that wall" and then lucas said, "well my church was from my bed all the way up to mommy's bed, like a hundred pounds. it's like as big as our house"

he was referring to his old church in columbus, my church. vineyard church. over seven thousand people go there (probably alot more?) but yes, as it is like a house in lucas's eyes, it is a home to many people. i'm so thankful for it.

somehow we went from tucking into bed in lucas's floor to the couch with ice cream cones and lots of giggling. what a sweet, sweet night for both them and me.

that's what amsterdam was for me, an opportunity to live in the moment, serve people, love god and see little glimpses of his kingdom on earth.

soul food

2009-06-04T15:16:00.004+02:00

from Oswald Chambers

in My Utmost For His Highest

We have the idea that God is going to do some exceptional thing, that He is preparing and fitting us for some exceptional thing by and by, but as we go on in grace we find that God is glorifying Himself here and now, in the present minute. If we have God's say-so behind us, the most amazing strength comes, and we learn to sing in the ordinary days and ways.

Along those lines, I can sure say he's taking care of me. Coming home, being greeted by faces that I really love. Keeping me safe as I drove a car for the first time in eight months. Giving me music on the street, (bagpipes too, sweet!). Spending time with Bernie & Roxi's (in Amsterdam) fabulous family, laughing, feeling close to my family on the other side of the ocean.

2009-06-03T02:37:00.003+02:00

i've seen alot of lovely and dear faces

in the last 30 hours, but i'm really missing these ones:

celebrating what's right with the world

2009-06-01T00:01:00.006+02:00

it's so hard to believe that i'll hop on a plane tomorrow and head back to the states. eight months ago tomorrow i left columbus for the unknown life in amsterdam. eight months later i don't feel like it's gone so fast because i feel like i'm coming home with so much more than i had anticipated. each day holding small treasures that i will keep with me for a lifetime, maybe pulling one out here or there to share a sentiment that words just might not do justice.

i'm doing my best and really wanting to share what this time has been for me in a creative way, so look forward to more info in the next few weeks. meanwhile, please have grace with me as i'm reacquainting myself to the people, places and ideas of old and new.

it's a little past midnight and there are only a few things left to stick in my bags. any ordinary night i'm happy if the mice choose not to come out, but tonight-- tonight i really wanted to capture my little friends on video.

i'll keep waiting.

cat and mouse

2009-05-24T23:57:00.004+02:00

so i've been pondering, thinking, even attempting to write a blog lately and it just hasn't happened. i guess alot has happened and i'm still trying to process it and understand it so writing to you about something that i can't even figure out for myself is quite a task. and then there are amazing, beautiful, oh-man-i'm-so-glad-i'm-alive-for-this kind of events also that are hard to articulate into words on a computer screen. hence my lack of communication lately.

well, concrete and quick stories (hopefully somewhat captivating or funny too) are not so hard to write. so here goes.

i'm having a really wonderful day. we had a vineyard amsterdam vision sunday today, in the park. beautiful day, beautiful people, beautiful vision.

so this week is awfully bittersweet. i love amsterdam a ton. i love the pickerills. i love our extended vineyard community/family. i've had quite the week. making the bitter a bit more dominant than the sweet of returning home.

but after a few really exciting, joyful, encouraging conversations with good friends back in good old ohio tonight, the aroma of the sweet that is to come is drifting in (like the smell of bread as the baker across the street bakes in the middle of the night). oh what a smell!

i'm sitting here writing a quick message to my mom, it's almost midnight, expecting the mice to come out momentarily. eric and julia just went upstairs.

well i heard a little something and expected it to be a mouse or two, looked over and it was a CAT!

now we have been wanting (or at least pretending to want) a cat for so long now, i kind of screamed but then i was thinking, well... maybe they broke down and got a cat. (what? when i was in the shower? what? no! )

so i screamed "Eric. Eric. Eric."

Julia said, "is that you rachel?"

"yes! there's a cat in here"

julia's down here real quick. i don't know why i'm so scared, after all it's just a cat. but eric was frozen on the stairs, i said eric you come down and protect us.

we opened up the closet doors as if the cat could become small like a mouse and crawl under a crack the size of your thumb. anyways, while we're looking for the cat it must've jumped back out the rooftop window it came in. let me just tell you it was freaky!

now i'm watching a mouse flip a crouton around on the floor and it's trying to figure out how to jump through the spot it jumps through (under the dishwasher about 3 inches off the ground and balance on the top and lean over and pick up the crouton to take it to feed his family. maybe the cat with the collar and stripes should've stayed.

i just went over and inturupted, put him away for a bit. maybe give him time to devise a better plan.

he'll be back soon....

here's to small victories. very small victories.

the reason i'm still here

2009-05-02T17:20:00.004+02:00

i'm convinced that although my other theories were quite good, that KONINGINDAG is the reason i'm still an amsterdammer. it was so much fun! i've always been a creative/business girl since childhood.... this would've been my favorite day of the year! it's also been just wonderful spending time with mark & kris batcheck, bill & dotty christensen and grace & jeff silliman (julia's parents) i feel like i have all of these wonderful new life friends!
oh and don't be fooled by signs that say "smash an orange and win €5, only 50c" like i was..... no, they don't just give you an orange on a stool and you get to hit it with the hammer and make an easy €5. nope, they rolled it through a tube and i was supposed to smash it in motion before it rolled off the stool! the first time i didn't even see it go by, but since i was nice and really bad, they let me try again.
p.s. bill thought the same thing!

goed nieuws

2009-04-11T22:43:00.002+02:00

remembering last easter, in spain.

remembering jesus.

celebrating.

that he is

risen.

called to be countercultural

2009-03-31T14:31:00.002+02:00

"Can the God of knowledge have a memory block? Can the only wise God be absent-minded? Is it possible that the omniscient can forget, even for a moment, one of his children? Can God misplace one of his children? Can God get so busy running the world and keeping the stars in space that he fails to remember your pain or your need, it is impossible, you have not slipped out of God's mind"

that's comforting.

if the economy is getting you down, listen to this, "Called to be countercultural" it was really encouraging for me!

more thoughts later....

learning the unforced rhythms of grace

2009-03-29T21:32:00.011+02:00

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times; it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness; it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity; it was the season of light, it was the season of darkness; it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair; we had everything before us, we had nothing before us; we were all going directly to heaven, we were all going the other way." -- Charles Dickens

I think my brit lit teacher from last year, Mrs. Garrabrant, would be proud of me for thinking of that quote. (We memorized it for extra credit towards the end of senior year!) It really does tie into the crazy 24 hour span of my life this past weekend. Dickens' Tale of Two Cities deals with London & Paris and I was right in between when it all happened....

Friday night things were going as planned (read previous blogpost if you're unaware of said plan). Had a really sweet last day in Amsterdam indulging in lots of hugs, an extra scoop (or two) of ice cream, lots of love and joy. I spent the first part of the day reflecting and packing and the ladder part just realizing. We've been preparing the kids for some time now that "Rachel's going to be gone for a long, long time" keeping track of days left on a handmade calendar hanging on the fridge. All that to say, we had a really sweet and sentimental goodbye. The whole family (& john nash) biked up to the amstel station, luggage in the bakfiet.

My bus was the party bus, techno music blasting. It was a real british bus I realized when I went to get in and the door was on the wrong (okay, not wrong, but other) side of the bus. The bus driver was pretty cool, he said, "you throw away your trash in the trash bags provided and i'll get you to london on time." Cool. Drive. Drive. Pick up more people. Drive. Rest Stop. Pee. Drive. Drive. French Customs. (unload luggage, get through alright, check). One block later British Customs. (before the tunnel). it's 4 am, when he (by looks i got the mean guy) asked, "are you coming to work?" i wasn't thinking and said yes. well babysitting i mean, like for room and board not getting paid. he talks to his colleague, then tells me they need to do some further questioning.

"will you make sure my bus waits for me?"

"oh, you won't be getting back on that bus"

so i get patted down, left in a big isolating, locked up detention room. to make a long story not-quite-as-long there was a payphone and i phoned the pickerills. yes, it was 4:30 in the morning but they were just the most obvious option. i left them this on their phone: "hi it's rachel. ifldsjkljds lfdsfjsdlkjsd sdfjlkdsjlfsdjd. oh wait, you probably couldn't understand that. (deep breath) i am stuck at the british customs, they are going to ask me questions. just pray for me. i'm really scared and can you call alex and tell her not to pick me up at the station in london?" the guards offered me coffee & tea. i declined, thinking to myself, i don't want caffeine, i'm going to be sleeping soon. (did i mention i only slept on hour on the bus?)

oddly enough, julia was awake and got the messages a few minutes later and was able to call back the payphone. i was being questioned at that time. yeah, they patted me down to make sure i didn't have any weapons, but what about that tacky photograph of a charging elephant in the 'waiting room'? was that supposed to stir up rage? anyway, i contained myself. and answered all of the officer's questions honestly and everything. he said a couple of times, "oh man, if only you hadn't told me you were working." oops. well obviously you can see i messed up man, give me a break. he seemed to be a bit more compassionate than at first in the immigration line when we first met. i was put back in the room. talked to the pickerills some more. was offered a sandwich. accepted. what hospitality! he came back and asked me

some more questions. time. time. time. scary lady takes me and they finger print every finger, then all fingers at once then thumbs again (as if they'd change in that short of time? what?). time. time.

chick comes back and hands me papers and talks way to fast, all i heard was "did he tell you? you've been declined entry into the UK. they'll be here to take you, it could be a little while or a long time i don't know. they have your passport"

WHO? WHAT? WHEN?

Who? The french police.

What? Took me to the french side (just a 2 minute drive)

When? Immediately, didn't have time to phone the pickerills or anything.

So, then i was sitting in the police station on the french side. I asked if there were any busses that go to Amsterdam. Only one person spoke any english she told me they stop at a petrol station nearby. Holler. I'm not standing at a petrol station and asking a bus driver to take me with no ticket or anything...... she told me someone would be there for me soon.

Rather depressing little room, lots of writing on the walls in arabic and other languages. Lots of F Britains. Dude comes and takes 'frees' me back into the real world. He asks, "you want England?" I said, "okay, but they said no" for a moment i thought he was going to take me there anyway. Nope. Just walked me over lots of annoying bumpy things through the parking lot (myself dragging all my belongings in two suitcases) let me through a fence and left me in front of a shopping mall.

Wandered around, it wasn't even open yet. I was the girl with the sweatpants on and puffy red eyes carrying two big suitcases getting the looks from the cute, classy french people going into open their ritzy little botiques. I tried to talk to a few people outside asking where the nearest hotel was, nobody would answer in English. Go back into the mall. find a bathroom. deeply consider just being a little like Tom Hanks in The Terminal and just camping out there, but the pay phones only took cards and not my card of course and no internet or anything. I had to talk to the Pickerills.

I really just felt hopeless. I stood out by the parking lot hoping/praying someone would just come to me and help me. Tell me where to go or how to call or something. I hope i would do that for someone else in that situation. finally nice french guy speaks english to me and tells me where the hotel is, i ask him if it's within walking distance. he looks me up and down with all my bags and says, "it's okay with you to come in my car?" YES. YES. YES. more than okay! thank you!!!!!!

he dropped me off in front of hotel ibis. sweet guy. i was able to buy an internet card and talk with the P's immediately. Thank God. It was only 9:30 in the morning but the hotel guy said he could give me a room in an hour. I was so tired I couldn't even think about making plans until after I'd slept. so i got a room. took a shower. took a sleeping vitamin. fell asleep around 11.

i woke up to knocking on the door, looked at my ipod and wondered, What are the cleaning ladies doing here at 17:00?

knock. knock.

best surprise of my life. Eric & Connor (my SUPERHEROES) had come and rescued me! brilliant. every euro that i paid for that hotel room (even if only for a five-hour nap) was worth it. How'd you know this was my room? They just told us at the desk, creepy right?

In the next five hours was the best car ride of my life. I've never laughed so hard, or felt so secure and taken care of as I did riding through the lovely countryside of France onwards to Netherlands. There was even a rainbow (well, part of one!) juxtaposed against the deep dark rain clouds in the sky. A little gift from God, to help me remember his promises.

We made it home, safe and sound. Let me tell you, Lucas & Gloria (6, 3 years old) are confused out of their poor little minds. Lucas pointed to the calendar and asked "so when is rachel leaving?" and gloria asked me, "did you bring me a present?" i told her, "i was only gone for 24 hours and I wasn't in a happy place."

i have all of these theories, about why it didn't happen:

i didn't say goodbye to our neighbor Mefrow Prys

i packed the wrong pajama pants

i didn't do everything on my 'to-do in amsterdam' list

lots more has crossed my mind....

but in the end, i have peace that it's not because of my doing but that everything happens for a reason and the God of the universe is in control of my life and that for some reason beyond what I know he had a plan in all of this.

it may just be super uncomprehensible at the moment.

Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you'll recover your life. I'll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won't lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you'll learn to live freely and lightly. [Matthew 11:28-30, the message]

the sun has gone to bed and so must i

2009-03-26T21:00:00.015+01:00

Sadly, it's time to say "tot ziens" or see you later to Amsterdam. It's been an amazing 6 months. I wouldn't trade it for anything. Oh, I've learned so much and had so much fun. I've met people I never would've met. Experienced beauty and joy and love in a whole new way.

So, Thank you Pickerills and thank you Amsterdam. I'm not going to think too hard about it right now, it hasn't even hit me. Tomorrow night starts a new adventure. At this time tomorrow (21:30) I will bakfiet to the Amstel station with my bags and take a bus to London. I will spend 2 days visiting with my friend, Alex! Hopefully reunite with some teachers/students from my high school, then head to Morocco for a couple of days to visit Ellie (She's one of Brooke's friends, we met when she visited Amsterdam around Sinterklaas)! Then I will be living in Nuneaton (it's in England) and watching this adorable guy, Daan, while his parents are doing YWAM DTS for the next 3 months. I really have no idea what to expect exactly, I'm looking forward to living in community with a bunch of people from all over the world and all ages too!

Take my time here on this earth

And let it glorify all that You are worth

For I am nothing,

I am nothing without You

this song was going through my head as i started blogging tonight:

the peace of wild things

2009-03-22T19:39:00.001+01:00

When despair grows in me
and I wake in the middle of the night at the least sound
in fear of what my life and my children's lives may be,
I go and lie down where the wood drake
rests in his beauty on the water, and the great heron feeds.
I come into the peace of wild things
who do not tax their lives with forethought
of grief. I come into the presence of still water.
And I feel above me the day-blind stars
waiting for their light. For a time
I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

-wendell berry

no fun, no fun

2009-03-20T22:11:00.002+01:00

penny for my thoughts, eh? how much for my venting?

2009-03-14T20:56:00.007+01:00

what a day.
beautiful, warm and sunny.
oh, great. i can bust out the flip flops today....

friends Vera & Renée come and visit from Köln.
i found us this sweet place to park (we'd also get unlimited public transport all day).

two hours later
"let's just park at IKEA"
yeah, what google maps showed to take 7 minutes took 2 hours and 7 minutes and we never even made it to the place. oh well. [-1 point for the Park & Ride being invisible]

so we went to the nearest bus stop and were looking at the sign for bus times.
so many busses. the first one is only for monday- friday. the second one too. the third one too.
the fourth one will come in 15 minutes, great! backs turned looking at the fifth one and before we know it already has rushed past us. I wave and we do jumping jack looking crazy lady moves and the bus driver ends up slowing down and waiting for us, we ran to catch it. [ +1 point for the nice bus driver stopping]

So we take the bus to the metro, the metro to the center of the city. as we're on the metro, the sky goes from sunny to gray and raindrops start to fall. we enjoy the city despite the rain. since we're focusing on the negative i'll skip all of the fun things we did..... :)

going back:
we ran to catch a metro, that ended up sitting there for another 5 or 10 minutes... why did we run???? we got back to IKEA just fine (we walked from the station this time instead of taking a bus....) It was sad saying bye to my lovely friends after a nice day. [no points, this was neither the public transport's fault nor gain]

(flashback-- we drank coke/diet cook at a cafe, in a really big cup for €4.50)
debating whether or not to run into IKEA and grab one thing or just head straight back home was abrubtly decided when my bladder was about to burst. nice bathrooms IKEA, good music, nice soap. i decided i probably wouldn't be back before i leave for england, so i grabbed the one thing that i wanted to grab. if anyone's ever been to IKEA you probably have the common sense to know better than a 'quick trip' to get one thing. not that self-control is a problem, i did only get my one thing, it's just that you enter and go through a sort of maize until you've seen every single thing they have to offer before you're at the cash registers and uitgang. then, of course i'm in the line that doesn't accept cash, thank goodness i had my card on me and passport. check. then i grabbed one of their 50 cent ice cream cones and headed back out into the cold.

i noticed some construction coming off of the metro, but didn't think much of of. i was more concerned about making sure i knew how to walk back to the station.... so i get there and the escalator going up to the platform was kind of boarded up. odd, i thought. there were some people taking up the elevator, so i joined them. blah blah blah. of course the platform that i needed was closed, they don't just put boards over the escalator/stairs for no reason at all.... i have to take the metro the other direction first and then get it the way i needed it. at this point i'm mostly concerned about time because i'm supposed to babysit grayson so john & amanda can celebrate their anniversary. before the metro that i'm on stops i see the one headed in the right direction has pulled in. i start pushing the 'open door' button before we even stop, again and again like it would help. finally it lets me out and i run (dodging puddles in my flipflops) and catch metro 54 toward CS. check. [-1 for the extra confusion]

so i'm thinking the whole way there, should i wait for a bus and then walk from the bus stop to my house and bike to the nashes or should i bus to the tram or just get the right bus and get to the nashes. i'm going to be late! so i decided just to take the bus to their house and worry about how to get home in the middle of the night after public transport has stopped later. i see bus 15 which i know goes by the nashes place, so i jump on. crazy enough the amstel station is in the middle of their route and i got on it the wrong way... (usually busses/trams go from one station to another, rarely stopping at a station in the middle) so after a few stops i realize that and get off and sit and wait for the 15 to pass in the other direction. [neutral]

by that time i was just out of time on my strippenkart (you get your ticket stamped and have a little over an hour usually to use busses, trams & metros). so waiting at the bus stop i get my change ready to pay for my mistake, literally. i start to hand the bus driver €1.60 and he sort of yelled at me, "are you only going to the station?!" no, i'm going to scheldestraat.... "THEN IT'S TWO ZONES" sorry!!! i was so proud of myslf for being all prepared and having my money ready, but no. no. no. "All i have is €50, do you have change?" no. i dug around in my purse and found some more coins, oh man. I sat down and (for the first time in a while) felt completely powerless. [-10,000 for his harsh tone of voice]

"what part of england are you from?" the driver asked me, maybe trying to make up for his awkward harshness a few moments before. not sure why he assumed i was from england, but this kind of comment usually makes my day (i enjoy when people are curious as to where i'm from just because i don't have an overtly 'merican accent). it was enough to fake a smile. [+ 1/2 for attempting to be amicable]

i'll admit it. i was crying. when we passed the amstel station (for the second time) the tears came a bit fiercer... thinking that in 13 days i'll be leaving from that very station, heading to england.

well i made it. maybe i would've made it better if i just walked home and then rode my bike here? but then, what would i be blogging about?

in the end it's good, i need more crap like this to help me get through the heartache of my breakup with this wonderful city that i've fallen madly in love with.

اهلا و صهلا

2009-03-10T21:04:00.006+01:00

"Ahlan Wa Sahlan"

In short it means "hello & welcome" to me, it means much more. This summer, when spending time in Israel one of the people I stayed with translated it to me as, "like a straight line" from where you're coming from into our house/family. They wanted it to be smooth and easy, anything that was theirs was mine and they really meant it.

That's how this whole period has been in Amsterdam. A straight line, in a very good way. I have been welcomed, accepted and appreciated into this family. I'm just so grateful for this 'experience', which doesn't do justice at all. An experience is something that happens and is done, I feel like this is more of a foundation. Something that will be with me forever.

I'm sure going to miss them. The "what about I'm going to miss you?" questions. The "racccccchel, i need to go poop! fast!" coming from gigi in the bath, followed by an applause for the poo. connor's favorite question "what's for dinner?" "how do you spell little wooden santa claus?" from lucas writing his chritmas list. eric's spontaneous ballet breakouts. julia loving being kitchen girl. "unplug & cuddle"

I'm going to miss waking up and watching the fruit stand unfold with color. I'm going to miss passing the tramstop at Fredricksplein where Lucas lost his first tooth. I'm going to miss biking through the rain. I'm going to miss the falafel at albertcuyp. I'm going to miss crashing out and fun breakfasts with Brooke & Allie. I'm going to miss "dank u wel & alstublieft" I'm going to miss the instant gratification of biking uphill on each canal and the ease and speed of the down side. I'm going to miss my strippenkart and trying to get as many things done as possible on one stamp. I'm going to miss Grayson's first sentences. I'm going to miss parties, ones where there's forty people representing 26 nations. Gezellig. I'm going to miss flower stands on every corner. I'm going to miss the dishes and the half eaten bowls of cereal. I'm going to miss sitting around the table with the question game. I'm going to miss the spooky quiet of the first few minutes after all the kids are at school. I'm going to miss my roommate even if she does cry alot around midnight. I'm going to miss tucking them in. Gigi's prayers, "Pway Jesus for Mommy and Connow and Yucas and Daddy and Wachel... and gwandmom and papa and gwammy and millie, pway Jesus. Amen."

I'm going to miss oddly heated games of Monopoly. I'm going to miss the clean house, and then the fun activity and then the messy house and then the clean house and then the messy house and then the clean house and then the messy house, the constant activity. I'm going to miss the bike rides with Lucas on the back, especially when he puts his hands in my armpits to keep warm. I'm going to miss their international school and all the lively, beautiful, multicultural kids that attend. I'm going to miss hide and seek, even if sometimes hiding looks like this:

"thanks rachel, a hug and a kiss for sayin' you gonna give us dessert.....you nice"

oh what a day

2009-03-10T13:45:00.002+01:00

hard knock life

2009-03-10T00:02:00.006+01:00

pre-kiln madness

2009-02-18T21:47:00.005+01:00

growing up is still so odd.

i feel like it's too soon to start processing the present....

the things that this experience have taught me have yet to be seen in true light.

i feel like i've learned so much, and still i'm only seeing a fraction.

the painted pottery before it's been through the kiln.

every day is different, that i love.

if only i could bottle everything up: the colors, the sounds, the adrenaline, the kisses and the cries.

"own only what you can carry with you; know language, know countries, know people. let your memory be your travel bag." alexander solzhenitsyn

cold knees

2009-01-27T00:38:00.003+01:00

"how are you?"

"good"

"what are you thinking about?"

"your cold knees"

so lately i've been feeling a bit like a deadbeat, being stuck in bed sick for six days probably contributed to the feeling. it's just been a challenging couple of days with the kids, which makes me sad. but jesus is good and he helps and sends others along to help pump up your so-called semi-deflated-bike-tires in life.

tonight i got this picture, it's not much but i think it's pretty cool and maybe worth sharing. so ever since i've been here i've sort of been looking for some sort of justification for the whole "be more like children" plead. i think i got a glimpse. so, let's say mom leaves a weeks worth of food out for the kids on sunday. tuesday night, there's no more dessert. thursday there's nothing left at all. so like children to their mother, we've got to trust jesus to take care of us a minute at a time. he knows more than us, that we can't handle much more. what he gives us is sufficient to carry us through. to try when you don't even know why.

"um, i love mommy and rachel and dad"

"okay, so we're cool?"

"what?"

"we're friends again?"

"yeah"

"okay good. can i have a big hug?"

"after i put my bracelets on"

"jesus, you carry the weight of the world

on your shoulders and now i am free

your grace is sufficient for me

jesus your heart is unfolding before us

you're making the blind to see

you're setting the captives free"

[saving one, jeff anderson]

a favor for a friend

2009-01-16T10:56:00.003+01:00

Everyone, meet Connor! He's a super cool 10 year old who likes reading, drawing, playing wii, eating, sometimes helping with cooking, sleepovers, ice cream and his family alot! He's kind of overwhelmed with the amount of birthday cards Lucas has received (thanks to readers of my blog who mailed him something!! he loved it all, our fridge is covered in mail-love!) I told him I'd do the same for his birthday, but he's not convinced-- since I won't be living here when his birthday hits at the end of the summer. So... he bid me write about him so that people can send him stuff too. I like his honesty. Learning how to ask for what you want/need is a good life skill, so I will honor his request and ask you....

if you so desire, please send connor:

laptops, skateboards, thousand dollar bills (in euros please!) and.....

oh, wait he actually only wants some glow in the dark silly putty but i'm sure he'd totally love some mail-love! It's cool if you don't know him well, or don't know him at all. Part of community is reaching out-- so do it!

Connor Pickerill

Rijnstraat 167, III

1079 HD Amsterdam

The Netherlands

definitions?

2009-01-11T21:21:00.009+01:00

Sometimes I wish I would think more. I realize I make snap decisions so much, I have a hard time paying attention to directions that require more than one turn. Tonight that got me in a bit of trouble, way off track, but it's all good. I'm home and warm now. Other than that miniscule mishap, I've had a wonderful day. I biked Connor over to one of his good friend's birthday party at the Vondelpark. So lovely, so many people out walking, sliding and skating on the ice. We had to walk on some water (okay, ice) to get to the party, it was so surreal. Sliding our bikes across the ice. It was so fun getting to meet and hang out with Connor's classmates. They're from all over the world. I love accents and I love kids..... I LOVE LOVE LOVE kids with accents. After a couple of days of watching the kids while Eric, Julia and the team were in Germany I realize even more that I want to be a teacher. Dropping the kids off at school really reenforced that thought in my mind. Most likely in an international school like theirs, but we'll see.... I was thinking and feeling like I've had a pretty successful week. I think many little beautiful things lining up equal success for me, oh and nobody got seriously injured or died under my supervision.

some highlights:

watching lucas open up his birthday cards!!! he gets SO excited!!!

playing some cleaning games with the kids, them feeling really proud of their accomplishments.

hanging out with connor's classmates at vondelpark today, they're so cute & fun

getting lost and then un-lost!

going on an "adventure" to the piercing place with the kids after a dream came true. ---(my dream was that my new nose ring would fall out, next day... it did!)

having sleepovers on the couch/bed with the kids (they love proximity!)

having a drawing night with connor and painting with the little ones

connor's excitement to clean the bathroom, dudddeee it's scary!

a salad that we made, from Jamie Oliver's "Ministry of Food" cookbook.

getting a thai massage and meeting some really cool inspiring folks who are hospitality stars and experts on sustainability and did i mention artists?

watching a few incredibly funny movies this week.

getting a cd of my friend sarah singin' her beautiful melodies.

seeing a ballet with Allie (a christmas present from the Pickerills :))

having breakfast with Brooke & Allie

having a really nice conversation with my mom! and hearing about her sweet friends who gave her flowers on behalf of our cat who died this week.

realizing how much i've grown up in the past year.

but that i'm still a kid at heart.

[ more photos here]

I have never felt relief like I feel it right now.

This journey is my own. 'cause trying to please the world, it was breaking me down.

Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one.

Now I live and I breathe for an audience of one, 'cause I know this journey is my own.

Why would I want to live for man and pay the highest price?

What does it mean to gain the whole world, only to lose my life?

You can live for someone else, and it will only bring you pain.

I can't even judge myself. Only the Lord can say, "well done"

[this journey is my own, sara groves]

a year in snapshots

2009-01-01T22:48:00.007+01:00

[new years eve, last year]

[grace oswalt, one of my new best friends in 08]

[spontaneous motorcycle rides with robbie]

[senior class of 08 representin', i think it's ross's back]

[oh beloved nazareth, i really loved my job]

[at emma's graduation party, all i could think about

is how worried i was that she'd be mad about my tattoo]

[carly, rachel and holly in 50 years, spain]

[cute little lady in romania]

[our sister school: arad, romania]

[spanish dream-boy, i'm still looking for him]

[physical evidence to remember a day of true sacrifice]

[la segrada familia: churches {as} the message: bibles]

[just a pretty windowsill in spain]

[cake for the class, celebrating our last]

[my knight in shining armor]

[another knight in shining armor, brad westlake]

[flamenco]

[college visit car rides]

[princess for a day, tijuana]

[the broken and the beautiful]

two.zero.zero.eight

2009-01-01T20:54:00.005+01:00

i'm sitting here, trying to remember what happened last year. i can remember yesterday pretty clearly but all the way back to january, february, march, april, may and june.... not quite as vivid. so i thought looking through my photos (17,018... you see it's taken me hours and i'm only in july) would be a good way to do it. starting off the year with college visits, interviews, snowdays and make up work. traveling to spain and realizing the romans were real people and built radical cities. opening the doors to the work of gaudi and klimt. realizing that the joy of traveling isn't about how much you see but how you see it. understanding that sometimes you get left behind because you have no idea what's going on and you're just some ignorant american who doesn't speak four languages. i remember being at home, antsy to be out, hardly being able to stand hours go by without something to do or see... looking back, i realize i wasn't at home all that much. i was busy traveling the world, taking tests, finding excuses to roam the halls during class, planning fun things for the seniors (indoor campfire lunch, parking lot picnic party, candlelight spaghetti lunch, spring break cakes and other fun and random things yet to be outdone by any other class....) working at nazareth 2-3 days a week. some of my favorite single moments in the year were -zip lining -sharing joy in the dumps of tijuana, basically playing dress up with these lovely little girls and trying to get through to them that they're a princess, a daughter of the king - the endless waves at the ocean - jumping into kate's pool at midnight with the oswalts and friends -jumping into the freezing lake at the senior retreat with ross and brad (okay, so alot of my favorite memories include jumping into water...... ) -breathe -the vanilla ice concert with tony -eating indian food with emk & esther every week - graduating -my cousin's wedding in israel- discovering couchsurfing & picnik.com- my camera, and all of good times it's been there for me & last (and probably most exciting) moving to amsterdam.....

in the end, i'm still the same.... just a little bit older and hopefully wiser.

a year of.....

2009-01-01T09:00:00.001+01:00

[new roommates]

[karaoke parties]

[camping]

[bubble tea]

[paint parties]

[good music]

[sarah deangulo]

[more camping]

[parties, israel]

[arabic coffee]

[party aftermath]

[my beautiful cousin, the bride]

[a group effort]

[ice ice baby]

[keyla's quincenera]

[baby's day parade, israel]

[costa rican village]

[zip lining, can you find me?]

a special request...

2008-12-30T23:03:00.005+01:00

Okay, meet Lucas! He's an amazing 5 (almost 6) year old kid and it's his birthday in just a few more days, January 16th... So, if you feel like doing something fun and that would make his day, send him a card (with a piece of gum in it...) he's a typical cool boy, he likes dinosaurs, race cars, animals, drawing......

address is :

Lucas Pickerill

Rijnstraat 167 III

1079 HD Amsterdam

The Netherlands

Thanks!! :)

john 1:14 (the message)

2008-12-29T20:33:00.002+01:00

The Word became flesh and blood,

and moved into the neighborhood.

We saw the glory with our own eyes,

the one-of-a-kind glory,

like Father, like Son,

Generous inside and out,

true from start to finish.

verjaardags partij

2008-12-22T03:03:00.001+01:00

[ birthday party ]

eric's 37th, my 19th

what a fun group of people..... 40 people from 19 different nations, amazing!!

sinterklaas

2008-12-22T02:31:00.002+01:00

it's meaningful-er than the usual presents traded at christmastime.

each gift is wrapped in a way that would be significantly meaningful to it's receiver and it's accompanied by a poem..... how fun!

thanksgiving

2008-12-22T02:20:00.002+01:00

john getting turkey cutting expertise from some youtube genius.